My Aunt died this past January. Citibank billed her for February and March for their monthly service charge on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge... the balance had been $0.00...
Now it was somewhere around $60.00. I placed the following phone call to CitiBank:
Me: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."
CitiBank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Me: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections"
CitiBank: "Since it is 2 months past due, it already has been."
Me: "So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"
CitiBank: "Either report her account to the frauds division, or report her to the credit bureau maybe both!"
Me: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"
CitiBank:"...excuse me...?"
Me: "Did you just get what I was telling you... the part about her being dead?"
CitiBank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor!"
(Supervisor gets on the phone)
Me: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."
CitiBank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Me: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"
CitiBank: ".....(stammer)" ".... Are you her lawyer?"
Me: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given... )
CitiBank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"
Me: "Sure."
(Fax number is given)
(After they get the fax.)
CitiBank: "Our system just isn't setup for death"
Me: "Oh..."
CitiBank: "I don't know what more I can do to help.."
Me: "Well...if you figure it out,great! If not, you could just keep billing her...I suppose... Don't really think she will care...."
CitiBank: "Well...the late fees and charges do still apply."
Me: "Would you like her new billing address?"
CitiBank: "That might help."
Me: "Nilai Memorial Park Cemetery (North South Highway and plot number given.)
CitiBank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"
Me: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?"
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
MCIS insurance
A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice.
"Darling," he says. "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce." The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45 mph.
The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it", he says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a far better lover than you are."
Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55 mph.
He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently. Up to 60 mph.
"I want the car, too," he continues. 65 mph.
"And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat." The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him a wee bit nervous, so he asks her: "Isn't there anything you want?"
The wife at last replies - in a quiet and controlled voice. "No, I've got everything I need." she says.
"Oh, really?" he inquires, "So what have you got?"
Just before they slam into the wall at 75 mph, the wife turns to him and smiles. ...."The airbag."....
Never underestimate how a woman thinks.
Moral of the story:
Buy Toyota VIOS as it has only one airbag (for driver only). The husband sure die and wife gets everything!
So, for a husband don't buy a Vios today.... :) Husbands, pls take insurance! but.. think twice for MCIS insurance.
Know why?
"M.C.I.S."= Mati Cepat Isteri Senang
"Darling," he says. "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce." The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45 mph.
The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it", he says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a far better lover than you are."
Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55 mph.
He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently. Up to 60 mph.
"I want the car, too," he continues. 65 mph.
"And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat." The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him a wee bit nervous, so he asks her: "Isn't there anything you want?"
The wife at last replies - in a quiet and controlled voice. "No, I've got everything I need." she says.
"Oh, really?" he inquires, "So what have you got?"
Just before they slam into the wall at 75 mph, the wife turns to him and smiles. ...."The airbag."....
Never underestimate how a woman thinks.
Moral of the story:
Buy Toyota VIOS as it has only one airbag (for driver only). The husband sure die and wife gets everything!
So, for a husband don't buy a Vios today.... :) Husbands, pls take insurance! but.. think twice for MCIS insurance.
Know why?
"M.C.I.S."= Mati Cepat Isteri Senang
Joke on Singapore
Once during the gulf war, the President of USA, and the Prime Ministers of UK and Singapore were travelling on a warship that was cruising near S. Arabia.
The 3 were talking about how brave their soldiers were; their discussion soon turned into an argument where each wanted to prove the bravery of their own soldiers.
The Pres. of USA said, "Let me show u what is guts", where upon he called his Colonel and said "Jump into the sea and swim 3 rounds around this ship!". The Colonel replied "Anything for Uncle Sam, Sir", jumped into the shark infested sea and swam 3 rounds around the ship, with the sharks chasing him like mad! After the successful 3 rounds, the Colonel came up to the deck and said, "I did it for Uncle Sam Mr. President!". The proud US President replied "That's what I call guts!".
The Prime Minister of UK was pissed. He had to show. He called his 3-star General and said "General, jump into the sea and swim 10 rounds around This ship!". The General replied "Anything for the Queen, Sir", jumped into the shark infested sea and swam 10 rounds around the ship, with the sharks chasing him like lunatics. After the successful 10 rounds the 3-star
General came up to the deck and said, "Long Live the Queen!". The proud UK PM replied "That's what I call guts!"
The Prime Minister of Singapore cannot tahan. He had to show that his soldiers have it too. He called one of his Private, Ah Beng and said "Soldier, jump into the sea and swim 50 rounds around this ship!"
The Private replied "Oi, you siao(crazy) izzit? I juz bought my condo and I am paying through my nose. Now, u want me to jump and die? If u want to hao lian (show off), you jump into the sea yourself ! @#*&%F!........
The Singapore PM grinned and said: "Now, that's what I call guts!"
The 3 were talking about how brave their soldiers were; their discussion soon turned into an argument where each wanted to prove the bravery of their own soldiers.
The Pres. of USA said, "Let me show u what is guts", where upon he called his Colonel and said "Jump into the sea and swim 3 rounds around this ship!". The Colonel replied "Anything for Uncle Sam, Sir", jumped into the shark infested sea and swam 3 rounds around the ship, with the sharks chasing him like mad! After the successful 3 rounds, the Colonel came up to the deck and said, "I did it for Uncle Sam Mr. President!". The proud US President replied "That's what I call guts!".
The Prime Minister of UK was pissed. He had to show. He called his 3-star General and said "General, jump into the sea and swim 10 rounds around This ship!". The General replied "Anything for the Queen, Sir", jumped into the shark infested sea and swam 10 rounds around the ship, with the sharks chasing him like lunatics. After the successful 10 rounds the 3-star
General came up to the deck and said, "Long Live the Queen!". The proud UK PM replied "That's what I call guts!"
The Prime Minister of Singapore cannot tahan. He had to show that his soldiers have it too. He called one of his Private, Ah Beng and said "Soldier, jump into the sea and swim 50 rounds around this ship!"
The Private replied "Oi, you siao(crazy) izzit? I juz bought my condo and I am paying through my nose. Now, u want me to jump and die? If u want to hao lian (show off), you jump into the sea yourself ! @#*&%F!........
The Singapore PM grinned and said: "Now, that's what I call guts!"
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
The Christian Bear
This is sent by Yasmin - Tuesday, April 28, 2009 10:42 PM
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.
As he continued walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes. Turning to look, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charging towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. Looking over his shoulder he saw that the bear was closing in on him. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear raising his paw to take a swipe at him.
At that instant the atheist cried out: "Oh my God..."
Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent.
It was then that a bright light shone down upon the man and a voice came out of the sky saying: "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps, could you make the bear a Christian?"
"Very well," said the voice.
The light went out. And the sounds of the forest resumed.
Then the bear lowered his paw, bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive and for which I am truly thankful. Amen."
Shirley Paul
Senior Executive
Risk Management
Sembcorp Industries Ltd (SUT Div)
51 Sakra Ave, Jurong Island
DID : 62675718
FAX : 62675686
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.
As he continued walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes. Turning to look, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charging towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. Looking over his shoulder he saw that the bear was closing in on him. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear raising his paw to take a swipe at him.
At that instant the atheist cried out: "Oh my God..."
Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent.
It was then that a bright light shone down upon the man and a voice came out of the sky saying: "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps, could you make the bear a Christian?"
"Very well," said the voice.
The light went out. And the sounds of the forest resumed.
Then the bear lowered his paw, bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive and for which I am truly thankful. Amen."
Shirley Paul
Senior Executive
Risk Management
Sembcorp Industries Ltd (SUT Div)
51 Sakra Ave, Jurong Island
DID : 62675718
FAX : 62675686
Monday, November 8, 2010
The Unknown ‘Wow Factor’
I have changed one particular noun in order to avoid getting myself into hot soup...
A farmer named Lakbir Singh was overseeing his herd in a remote pasture in Bolehland when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.
The driver, a young Malay man in an Armani suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the farmer, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
Lakbir looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within mere seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data is stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the farmer and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Lakbir.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then Lakbir says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a graduate from Oxford and a Member of Parliament for Unknown," says Lakbir.
"Wow! That's correct," exclaims the yuppie with the customary Unknown's Wow Factor, "But how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required," answered Lakbir. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, and to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter you are, and you don't know a thing about cows. This is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog."
------
Malaysia Today is the first and only local website banned by the Government for revealing the truth. It has been replaced/mirrored at http://mt.m2day.org and is back with a vengeance
A farmer named Lakbir Singh was overseeing his herd in a remote pasture in Bolehland when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.
The driver, a young Malay man in an Armani suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the farmer, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
Lakbir looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within mere seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data is stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the farmer and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Lakbir.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then Lakbir says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a graduate from Oxford and a Member of Parliament for Unknown," says Lakbir.
"Wow! That's correct," exclaims the yuppie with the customary Unknown's Wow Factor, "But how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required," answered Lakbir. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, and to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter you are, and you don't know a thing about cows. This is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog."
------
Malaysia Today is the first and only local website banned by the Government for revealing the truth. It has been replaced/mirrored at http://mt.m2day.org and is back with a vengeance
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Men Are Just Happier People
Sent by Roger Ng - Wednesday, November 3, 2010 7:15 AM
NICKNAMES
· If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
· If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Dickhead and Dumb Brain.
EATING OUT
· When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
· When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
· A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
· A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS
· A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
· The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
· A woman has the last word in any argument.
· Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE
· A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
· A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS
· A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
· A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
· A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
· A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
· A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
· A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
· Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
· Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
· Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
· A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
NICKNAMES
· If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
· If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Dickhead and Dumb Brain.
EATING OUT
· When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
· When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
· A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
· A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS
· A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
· The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
· A woman has the last word in any argument.
· Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE
· A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
· A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS
· A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
· A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
· A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
· A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
· A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
· A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
· Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
· Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
· Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
· A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
Why Do Condoms Come in Boxes of 3, 6, or 12 ?
A man walks into a drug store with his 13-year old son. They happened to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son....Men use them to have safe sex."
"Oh I see," replied the boys pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package."
The Dad replies, "Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."
"Cool!" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"
"Those are for college boys." the dad answers, "TWO for Friday,TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack.
With a sigh........the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January,one for February, one for March............"
HOW TRAGIC LIFE IS FOR MARRIED MAN.
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son....Men use them to have safe sex."
"Oh I see," replied the boys pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package."
The Dad replies, "Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."
"Cool!" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"
"Those are for college boys." the dad answers, "TWO for Friday,TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack.
With a sigh........the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January,one for February, one for March............"
HOW TRAGIC LIFE IS FOR MARRIED MAN.
15 PIECES OF ADVICE FOR WOMAN
This is from Mar Ja, apparently she is quite 'anti-men'.
1. Don't imagine you can change a man - *unless he's in nappies.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up
there.
4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.
5. Go for the younger man. You might as well, they never mature anyway.
6. *Men are all the same *- they just have different faces, so that you can
tell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make
some woman miserable.
8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself
types.
9. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.
10. *Love is blind*, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in
Biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, *tell him cheque
books* .
14. Remember a sense of humour does not mean that you tell him jokes, it
means that you laugh at his.
15. *Sadly, all men are created
equal!*
1. Don't imagine you can change a man - *unless he's in nappies.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up
there.
4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.
5. Go for the younger man. You might as well, they never mature anyway.
6. *Men are all the same *- they just have different faces, so that you can
tell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make
some woman miserable.
8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself
types.
9. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.
10. *Love is blind*, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in
Biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, *tell him cheque
books* .
14. Remember a sense of humour does not mean that you tell him jokes, it
means that you laugh at his.
15. *Sadly, all men are created
equal!*
Latter from a Caring Mother
Sorry, I forgot where I got this from, so no means of stealing intellectual property...
My dear Jagjit,
I am in a well here and hoping you are also in a well there. I'm writing this letter slowly, because I know you cannot read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen 20 miles from home, so we moved 20 miles. I won't be able to send the address as the last Sardar who stayed here took the house numbers with them for their new house so they would not have to change their address. Hopefully by next week we will be able to take our earlier address plate here, so that our address will remain same too.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine, situated right above the toilet I'm not sure it works too well. Last week I put in 3 shirts, pulled the chain and
haven't seen them since.
The weather here isn't too bad. It rained only twice last week. The first time
it rained for 3 days and second time for 4 days.
The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with all the metal buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pocket.
Your father has another job. He has 500 men under him. He is cutting the grass at the cemetery.
By the way I took Bahu to our club's poolside. The manager is Badmash. He told her that two piece swimming suit is not allowed in his club. We were confused as to which piece
should we remove?
Your sister had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether it is a girl or a boy, so I don't know whether you are an Aunt or an Uncle.
Your uncle, Jetinder fell in the nearby well. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off bravely and drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.
Your best friend, Balwinder, is no more. He died trying to fulfill his father's last wishes. His father had wished to be buried in the sea after he died. And your friend died while in the process of digging a grave for his father.
There isn't much more news this time. Nothing much has happened.
Love Mom.
P. S: Jagjit, I was going to send you some money but by the time I realized,
I had already sealed off this letter.
My dear Jagjit,
I am in a well here and hoping you are also in a well there. I'm writing this letter slowly, because I know you cannot read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen 20 miles from home, so we moved 20 miles. I won't be able to send the address as the last Sardar who stayed here took the house numbers with them for their new house so they would not have to change their address. Hopefully by next week we will be able to take our earlier address plate here, so that our address will remain same too.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine, situated right above the toilet I'm not sure it works too well. Last week I put in 3 shirts, pulled the chain and
haven't seen them since.
The weather here isn't too bad. It rained only twice last week. The first time
it rained for 3 days and second time for 4 days.
The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with all the metal buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pocket.
Your father has another job. He has 500 men under him. He is cutting the grass at the cemetery.
By the way I took Bahu to our club's poolside. The manager is Badmash. He told her that two piece swimming suit is not allowed in his club. We were confused as to which piece
should we remove?
Your sister had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether it is a girl or a boy, so I don't know whether you are an Aunt or an Uncle.
Your uncle, Jetinder fell in the nearby well. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off bravely and drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.
Your best friend, Balwinder, is no more. He died trying to fulfill his father's last wishes. His father had wished to be buried in the sea after he died. And your friend died while in the process of digging a grave for his father.
There isn't much more news this time. Nothing much has happened.
Love Mom.
P. S: Jagjit, I was going to send you some money but by the time I realized,
I had already sealed off this letter.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Management Lessons
You may have read it somewhere but I think it's still worth your while to read it again.
From Dicala - Monday, March 19, 2007 8:14 PM
LESSON 1
A junior manager, a senior manager and their boss are on their way to
a meeting. On their way through a park, they come across a wonder
lamp. They rub the lamp and a ghost appears.
The ghost says, "Normally, one is granted three wishes but as you are
three, I will allow one wish each"
So the eager senior manager shouted, "I want the first wish. I want to
be in the Bahamas , on a fast boat and have no worries." Pfufffff, and
he was gone.
Now the junior manager could not keep quiet and shouted "I want to be
In Florida with beautiful girls, plenty of food and cocktails."
Pfufffff, and he Was also gone.
The boss calmly said, "I want these two idiots back in the office
after lunch at 12.35pm."
MORAL OF THE STORY IS: "ALWAYS ALLOW THE BOSSES TO SPEAK FIRST"
LESSON 2
Standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important
document, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young executive.
He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside
the shredder machine. "I just need one copy."
LESSON II - NEVER, NEVER ASSUME THAT YOUR BOSS KNOWS EVERYTHING.
LESSON 3
An American and a Japanese were sitting on the plane on the way to LA.
When the American turned to the Japanese and asked, "What kind of -ese
are you?"
The Japanese confused, replied, "Sorry but I don't understand what you mean."
The American repeated, "What kind of -ese are you?" Again, the
Japanese was confused over the question.
The American, now irritated, then yelled, "What kind of -ese are you
... Are you a Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese!, etc......???"
The Japanese then replied, "Oh, I am a Japanese."
A while later the Japanese turned to the American and asked What kind
Of 'key' was he.
The American, frustrated, yelled, "What do you mean what kind of -kee' am I ?!"
The Japanese said, "Are you a Yankee, donkee, or monkee?"
LESSON III - NEVER INSULT ANYONE.
LESSON 4
There were these 4 guys, a Russian, a German, an American and a
French, who found this small genie bottle. When they rubbed the
bottle, a genie appeared. Thankful that the 4 guys had released him
out of the bottle,
He said, "Next to you all are 4 swimming pools, I will give each of
you A wish. When you run towards the pool and jump, you shout what you
want the pool of Water to become, then your wish will come true."
The French wanted to start. He ran towards the pool, jumped and
shouted"WINE". The pool immediately changed into a pool of wine. The
Frenchman was so Happy swimming and drinking from the pool.
Next is the Russian's turn, he did the same and shouted, "VODKA" and
Immersed himself into a pool of vodka.
The German was next and he jumped and shouted, "BEER". He was so
Contented with his beer pool.
The last is the American. He was running towards the pool when
suddenly He steps on a banana peel. He slipped towards the pool and
shouted, "SHIT!!!!!!!........."
LESSON IV - THINK TWICE BEFORE YOU SAY SOMETHING, BECAUSE SOMETIMES
ACCIDENTS DO HAPPEN.
LESSON 5
The organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was
In charge. Each organ took a turn to speak up:
Brain......... I should be in charge because I run all body functions.
Blood........ I should be in charge because I circulate oxygen for the brain.
Stomach... I should be in charge because I process food to the brain.
Legs......... I should be in charge because I take the brain where it
Wants to go.
Eyes......... I should be in charge because I let the brain see where
it's going.
Asshole.....I should be in charge because I get rid of your waste.
All the other parts laughed so hard and this made the asshole very mad.
To prove his point, the asshole immediately slammed tightly closed and
Stayed that way for 6 days, refusing to rid the body of any waste whatsoever.
Day 1 - Brain got a terrible headache and cried out for relief
Day 2 - Stomach got bloated and began to ache terribly
Day 3 - Legs got cramps and became unstable
Day 4 - Eyes became watery and vision became blurred
Day 5 - Blood became toxic and poisoned the body
Day 6 -The other organs agreed to let the asshole be in charge.
MORAL OF THE STORY: NO MATTER WHO YOU ARE, OR HOW IMPORTANT YOU THINK
YOU ARE, YOU WILL FIND THAT IT IS ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE THAT IS IN
CHARGE.
From Dicala - Monday, March 19, 2007 8:14 PM
LESSON 1
A junior manager, a senior manager and their boss are on their way to
a meeting. On their way through a park, they come across a wonder
lamp. They rub the lamp and a ghost appears.
The ghost says, "Normally, one is granted three wishes but as you are
three, I will allow one wish each"
So the eager senior manager shouted, "I want the first wish. I want to
be in the Bahamas , on a fast boat and have no worries." Pfufffff, and
he was gone.
Now the junior manager could not keep quiet and shouted "I want to be
In Florida with beautiful girls, plenty of food and cocktails."
Pfufffff, and he Was also gone.
The boss calmly said, "I want these two idiots back in the office
after lunch at 12.35pm."
MORAL OF THE STORY IS: "ALWAYS ALLOW THE BOSSES TO SPEAK FIRST"
LESSON 2
Standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important
document, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young executive.
He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside
the shredder machine. "I just need one copy."
LESSON II - NEVER, NEVER ASSUME THAT YOUR BOSS KNOWS EVERYTHING.
LESSON 3
An American and a Japanese were sitting on the plane on the way to LA.
When the American turned to the Japanese and asked, "What kind of -ese
are you?"
The Japanese confused, replied, "Sorry but I don't understand what you mean."
The American repeated, "What kind of -ese are you?" Again, the
Japanese was confused over the question.
The American, now irritated, then yelled, "What kind of -ese are you
... Are you a Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese!, etc......???"
The Japanese then replied, "Oh, I am a Japanese."
A while later the Japanese turned to the American and asked What kind
Of 'key' was he.
The American, frustrated, yelled, "What do you mean what kind of -kee' am I ?!"
The Japanese said, "Are you a Yankee, donkee, or monkee?"
LESSON III - NEVER INSULT ANYONE.
LESSON 4
There were these 4 guys, a Russian, a German, an American and a
French, who found this small genie bottle. When they rubbed the
bottle, a genie appeared. Thankful that the 4 guys had released him
out of the bottle,
He said, "Next to you all are 4 swimming pools, I will give each of
you A wish. When you run towards the pool and jump, you shout what you
want the pool of Water to become, then your wish will come true."
The French wanted to start. He ran towards the pool, jumped and
shouted"WINE". The pool immediately changed into a pool of wine. The
Frenchman was so Happy swimming and drinking from the pool.
Next is the Russian's turn, he did the same and shouted, "VODKA" and
Immersed himself into a pool of vodka.
The German was next and he jumped and shouted, "BEER". He was so
Contented with his beer pool.
The last is the American. He was running towards the pool when
suddenly He steps on a banana peel. He slipped towards the pool and
shouted, "SHIT!!!!!!!........."
LESSON IV - THINK TWICE BEFORE YOU SAY SOMETHING, BECAUSE SOMETIMES
ACCIDENTS DO HAPPEN.
LESSON 5
The organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was
In charge. Each organ took a turn to speak up:
Brain......... I should be in charge because I run all body functions.
Blood........ I should be in charge because I circulate oxygen for the brain.
Stomach... I should be in charge because I process food to the brain.
Legs......... I should be in charge because I take the brain where it
Wants to go.
Eyes......... I should be in charge because I let the brain see where
it's going.
Asshole.....I should be in charge because I get rid of your waste.
All the other parts laughed so hard and this made the asshole very mad.
To prove his point, the asshole immediately slammed tightly closed and
Stayed that way for 6 days, refusing to rid the body of any waste whatsoever.
Day 1 - Brain got a terrible headache and cried out for relief
Day 2 - Stomach got bloated and began to ache terribly
Day 3 - Legs got cramps and became unstable
Day 4 - Eyes became watery and vision became blurred
Day 5 - Blood became toxic and poisoned the body
Day 6 -The other organs agreed to let the asshole be in charge.
MORAL OF THE STORY: NO MATTER WHO YOU ARE, OR HOW IMPORTANT YOU THINK
YOU ARE, YOU WILL FIND THAT IT IS ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE THAT IS IN
CHARGE.
80% of M'sians going to UK to study law?
Sent by Diclal - Wednesday, March 28, 2007 7:56 PM
UK Immigration Officer: Purpose of visit?
Visitor: I'm here to study law, sir.
Officer: You know, you must have a lot of lawyers in Malaysia .
Visitor: Why do you say that?
Officer: Well, i've been here for a good twenty years, and I'd say 80% of Malaysians I see here say they're here to read law.
Visitor: Oh, really? That's really something i never knew. Hard to believe in fact.
Officer: Just you watch, then. You just stand here until the next Malaysian comes along, and I'll bet he's here to read law.
*Visitor waits for 5 mijavascript:void(0)ns, Ah Chong from Malaysia comes to immigration counter*
Officer: Mr. Ah Chong, purpose of visit?
Ah Chong: Study lorr...
UK Immigration Officer: Purpose of visit?
Visitor: I'm here to study law, sir.
Officer: You know, you must have a lot of lawyers in Malaysia .
Visitor: Why do you say that?
Officer: Well, i've been here for a good twenty years, and I'd say 80% of Malaysians I see here say they're here to read law.
Visitor: Oh, really? That's really something i never knew. Hard to believe in fact.
Officer: Just you watch, then. You just stand here until the next Malaysian comes along, and I'll bet he's here to read law.
*Visitor waits for 5 mijavascript:void(0)ns, Ah Chong from Malaysia comes to immigration counter*
Officer: Mr. Ah Chong, purpose of visit?
Ah Chong: Study lorr...
From Dicala, Monday, April 16, 2007 8:57 PM
Actual Australian Court Docket 12659
"Case of the Pregnant Lady"
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man
Opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had
The man arrested.
The case came up in court.
The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this:
When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are Comin' and I grinned."
"Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, ' Logan 's Liniment will reduce the swelling', and I had to smile. "Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick",
And I could hardly contain myself."
"BUT, your Honor, when She moved the fourth Time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'... I just lost it."
"CASE DISMISSED!!"
Actual Australian Court Docket 12659
"Case of the Pregnant Lady"
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man
Opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had
The man arrested.
The case came up in court.
The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this:
When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are Comin' and I grinned."
"Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, ' Logan 's Liniment will reduce the swelling', and I had to smile. "Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick",
And I could hardly contain myself."
"BUT, your Honor, when She moved the fourth Time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'... I just lost it."
"CASE DISMISSED!!"
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Old jokes
Contributed by siewde
An elderly gentleman...
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet..
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'
Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure..'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'
Three old guys are out walking..First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'
A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.''Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty...'
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
One more...! A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
An elderly gentleman...
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet..
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'
Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure..'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'
Three old guys are out walking..First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'
A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.''Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty...'
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
One more...! A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
For adults only...
Contributed by Mej Nizam
Question: Why is the 69 position also called
the smokers position?
Answer: Because while she is smoking the cigar,
he is cleaning the ashtray.
Question: Why is sperm donation more expensive
than blood donation?
Answer: Because it's HANDMADE!!
An old man married a young girl. On their wedding night, he showed five fingers to his young wife.
Young girl : Ooh.. darling! 5 times?
Old man : No dear, choose which one do you prefer to start with?
Man 1 : My wife is obsessed with cars. While asleep, she holds my bird and says "1st gear, 2nd gear"
Man 2 : My wife is worse! She puts my bird inside her and say "Full tank please".
Question : What is the closest thing that is similar to a woman's period?
Answer : Your salary; it comes once a month, lasts about 5-7 days and if it doesn't come, it means you are in big trouble!
Question : What is the smallest hotel in the world?
Answer : It's Vagina Inn because it can only accommodate 1 standing occupant who must leave his 2 baggage outside!
2 prostitutes were in a taxi, on their way home after work.
Bitch 1 : I smell sperm!
Bitch 2 : Sorry, I burped!
Question: Why is the 69 position also called
the smokers position?
Answer: Because while she is smoking the cigar,
he is cleaning the ashtray.
Question: Why is sperm donation more expensive
than blood donation?
Answer: Because it's HANDMADE!!
An old man married a young girl. On their wedding night, he showed five fingers to his young wife.
Young girl : Ooh.. darling! 5 times?
Old man : No dear, choose which one do you prefer to start with?
Man 1 : My wife is obsessed with cars. While asleep, she holds my bird and says "1st gear, 2nd gear"
Man 2 : My wife is worse! She puts my bird inside her and say "Full tank please".
Question : What is the closest thing that is similar to a woman's period?
Answer : Your salary; it comes once a month, lasts about 5-7 days and if it doesn't come, it means you are in big trouble!
Question : What is the smallest hotel in the world?
Answer : It's Vagina Inn because it can only accommodate 1 standing occupant who must leave his 2 baggage outside!
2 prostitutes were in a taxi, on their way home after work.
Bitch 1 : I smell sperm!
Bitch 2 : Sorry, I burped!
Saturday, September 25, 2010
DISORDER IN THE COURT, or Idiots in the court room.
These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts of America, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What Year?
WITNESS: Every year.
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember. ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam!?
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken.
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But, could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
This is from Paul Chin
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What Year?
WITNESS: Every year.
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember. ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam!?
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken.
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But, could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
This is from Paul Chin
Horror at Old Bentong KL road - Chilling Real story!!!
Sent by Wan SF, September 24 2010.
I think it is really a good one!
This happened about a month ago near Karak. A guy was driving from KL to Kuantan and decided not to take the Karak Highway as he wanted to see the scenery along the old road. The inevitable happens and when he reached the hills his car breaks down - he's stranded miles from nowhere. Having no choice he started walking on the side of the road, hoping to get a lift to the nearest town. It soon got dark and started to rain very heavily. And pretty soon he got wet and was shivering. The night rolled on and no car passed by.
Suddenly he saw a car coming towards him. It slowed and then stops next to him - without thinking the guy opened the door and jumps in, glad to be out of the wet and cold. Seated in the back, he leaned forward to thank the person who had saved him. He realizes there is nobody behind the wheel!!!
Even though there's no one in the front seat and no sound of any engine, the car starts moving slowly. The guy looks at the road ahead and sees a curve coming. Scared almost to death he starts to pray, begging the Lord for his life.
He was still in shock, when just before the car hits the curve, a hand appears through the window and turns the steering wheel! The car makes the curve safely and continues on the road to the next bend. The guy, now paralyzed in terror, watches how the hand appears every time they are before a curve and moves the steering wheel just enough to get the car around each bend.
Finally, the guy sees lights ahead. Gathering his courage he wrenches open the door of the silent, slowly moving car, scrambles out and runs as hard as he can towards the lights. It's a small town.
He stumbles into a kopi tiam, and asks for a drink, and breaks down. Then he starts talking about the horrible experience he's just been through.
There is dead silence in the kopi tiam when he finished relating his experience ..... . . . .
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
......and that's when Santa and Banta Singh walk in. Santa points and says 'Look Banta - that's the idiot who got into our car when we were pushing it.'
I think it is really a good one!
This happened about a month ago near Karak. A guy was driving from KL to Kuantan and decided not to take the Karak Highway as he wanted to see the scenery along the old road. The inevitable happens and when he reached the hills his car breaks down - he's stranded miles from nowhere. Having no choice he started walking on the side of the road, hoping to get a lift to the nearest town. It soon got dark and started to rain very heavily. And pretty soon he got wet and was shivering. The night rolled on and no car passed by.
Suddenly he saw a car coming towards him. It slowed and then stops next to him - without thinking the guy opened the door and jumps in, glad to be out of the wet and cold. Seated in the back, he leaned forward to thank the person who had saved him. He realizes there is nobody behind the wheel!!!
Even though there's no one in the front seat and no sound of any engine, the car starts moving slowly. The guy looks at the road ahead and sees a curve coming. Scared almost to death he starts to pray, begging the Lord for his life.
He was still in shock, when just before the car hits the curve, a hand appears through the window and turns the steering wheel! The car makes the curve safely and continues on the road to the next bend. The guy, now paralyzed in terror, watches how the hand appears every time they are before a curve and moves the steering wheel just enough to get the car around each bend.
Finally, the guy sees lights ahead. Gathering his courage he wrenches open the door of the silent, slowly moving car, scrambles out and runs as hard as he can towards the lights. It's a small town.
He stumbles into a kopi tiam, and asks for a drink, and breaks down. Then he starts talking about the horrible experience he's just been through.
There is dead silence in the kopi tiam when he finished relating his experience ..... . . . .
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
......and that's when Santa and Banta Singh walk in. Santa points and says 'Look Banta - that's the idiot who got into our car when we were pushing it.'
Monday, August 23, 2010
男人最怕的三个答案
男人最怕的三个答案
（1）随 便 (Whatever)
男：今天 晚上咱们吃什么？ Men: What to have for dinner?
女：随便。 Women: Whatever..
男：吃火锅吧。 Men: Why not we have steamboat?
女：不行，吃火锅脸上要长痘痘。Women: Don't want la, eat steamboat later got pimples in my face
男：要不咱们吃川菜。 Men: Alright, why not we have Si Chuan cuisine
女：昨天刚吃的川菜，今天又吃 ....... Women: Yesterday ate Si Chuan, today eat again?
男：那咱们吃海鲜去？ Men: Hmm..... I suggest we have seafood
女：海鲜不好，吃了�shy;肚子。 Women: Seafood no good la, later I got diarrhea
男：那你说吃什么？ Men: Then what you suggest?
女：随便。 Women : Whatever..
（2）都行 (Anything)
男：那咱们现在到底做什么？ Men: So what should we do now?
女：都行。 Women: Anything
男：看电影怎么样？很久没看电影了。 Men: How about watching movie? Long time we didn't watch movie
女：电影有啥好看的，耽误时间。 Women: Watching movie no good la, waste time only
男：那打保龄球，运动运动？ Men: How about we play bowling, do some exercises?
女：大热天的运什么动啊，不嫌累啊？ Women: Exercise in such hot day? You not feel tire meh?
男：那找个咖啡店坐坐，喝点水。 Men: Then find a café and have drink
女：喝咖啡影响睡眠。 Women: Drink coffee will affect my sleep
男：那你说干什么？ Men: Then what you suggest?
女：都行！ Women: Anything
（ 3）看你 (You decide)
男：那咱们干脆回家好了。 Men: Then we just go home lo
女：看你。 Women: You decide
男：坐公车吧，我送你。 Men: Let take bus, I will accompany you
女：公车又脏又挤，算了吧。 Women: Bus is dirty and crowded. Don't want la
男：那就打车走。 Men: Ok we will take Taxi
女：这么近的路不划算。 Women: Not worth it la... for such a short distance
男：那走路好了，散散步？ Men: Alright, then we walk lo. Take a slow walk
女：空着肚子散哪门子步啊？ Women: What to walk with empty stomach woh?
男：那你想怎么着啊？ Men: Then what you suggest?
女：看你。 Women: You decide
男：那就先吃饭？ Men: Let's have dinner first
女：随便。 Women: Whatever...
男：吃什么？ Men: Eat what?
女：都行 Women: Anyting
（看看四下无人，杀了她...... ） (Look around...... ifno one here, gonna kill her....)
(Sent by: Roger today)
（1）随 便 (Whatever)
男：今天 晚上咱们吃什么？ Men: What to have for dinner?
女：随便。 Women: Whatever..
男：吃火锅吧。 Men: Why not we have steamboat?
女：不行，吃火锅脸上要长痘痘。Women: Don't want la, eat steamboat later got pimples in my face
男：要不咱们吃川菜。 Men: Alright, why not we have Si Chuan cuisine
女：昨天刚吃的川菜，今天又吃 ....... Women: Yesterday ate Si Chuan, today eat again?
男：那咱们吃海鲜去？ Men: Hmm..... I suggest we have seafood
女：海鲜不好，吃了�shy;肚子。 Women: Seafood no good la, later I got diarrhea
男：那你说吃什么？ Men: Then what you suggest?
女：随便。 Women : Whatever..
（2）都行 (Anything)
男：那咱们现在到底做什么？ Men: So what should we do now?
女：都行。 Women: Anything
男：看电影怎么样？很久没看电影了。 Men: How about watching movie? Long time we didn't watch movie
女：电影有啥好看的，耽误时间。 Women: Watching movie no good la, waste time only
男：那打保龄球，运动运动？ Men: How about we play bowling, do some exercises?
女：大热天的运什么动啊，不嫌累啊？ Women: Exercise in such hot day? You not feel tire meh?
男：那找个咖啡店坐坐，喝点水。 Men: Then find a café and have drink
女：喝咖啡影响睡眠。 Women: Drink coffee will affect my sleep
男：那你说干什么？ Men: Then what you suggest?
女：都行！ Women: Anything
（ 3）看你 (You decide)
男：那咱们干脆回家好了。 Men: Then we just go home lo
女：看你。 Women: You decide
男：坐公车吧，我送你。 Men: Let take bus, I will accompany you
女：公车又脏又挤，算了吧。 Women: Bus is dirty and crowded. Don't want la
男：那就打车走。 Men: Ok we will take Taxi
女：这么近的路不划算。 Women: Not worth it la... for such a short distance
男：那走路好了，散散步？ Men: Alright, then we walk lo. Take a slow walk
女：空着肚子散哪门子步啊？ Women: What to walk with empty stomach woh?
男：那你想怎么着啊？ Men: Then what you suggest?
女：看你。 Women: You decide
男：那就先吃饭？ Men: Let's have dinner first
女：随便。 Women: Whatever...
男：吃什么？ Men: Eat what?
女：都行 Women: Anyting
（看看四下无人，杀了她...... ） (Look around...... ifno one here, gonna kill her....)
(Sent by: Roger today)
Thursday, August 19, 2010
The old motor
The marriage of an 80-year-old man and a 20-year-old woman was the talk of the town. After being married a year, the couple went to the hospital for the birth of their first child.
The attending nurse came out of the delivery room to congratulate the old gentleman and said, 'This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?'
The old man grinned and said, 'You got to keep the old motor running.'
The following year, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their second child. The same nurse was attending the delivery and again went out to congratulate the old gentleman.
She said, 'Sir, you are something else. How do you manage it?'
The old man grinned and said, 'You gotta keep the old motor running.'
A year later, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their third child.
The same nurse was there for this birth also and after the delivery, she once again approached the old gentleman, smiled, and said, 'Well, you surely are something else! How do you do it?'
The old man replied, 'It's like I've told you before, you got to keep the old motor running.'
The nurse, still smiling, patted him on the back and said: Well, I guess it's time to change the oil. This one's black.
The attending nurse came out of the delivery room to congratulate the old gentleman and said, 'This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?'
The old man grinned and said, 'You got to keep the old motor running.'
The following year, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their second child. The same nurse was attending the delivery and again went out to congratulate the old gentleman.
She said, 'Sir, you are something else. How do you manage it?'
The old man grinned and said, 'You gotta keep the old motor running.'
A year later, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their third child.
The same nurse was there for this birth also and after the delivery, she once again approached the old gentleman, smiled, and said, 'Well, you surely are something else! How do you do it?'
The old man replied, 'It's like I've told you before, you got to keep the old motor running.'
The nurse, still smiling, patted him on the back and said: Well, I guess it's time to change the oil. This one's black.
Today's jokes
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
So he tied her up and went golfing.
**************************************************
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"
The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."
**************************************************
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.
**************************************************
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters:
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
"Can you read this?" the optician asked.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
**************************************************
So he tied her up and went golfing.
**************************************************
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"
The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."
**************************************************
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.
**************************************************
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters:
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
"Can you read this?" the optician asked.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
**************************************************
No speaking English
There was this Asian lady married to an American gentleman and they lived in Honolulu.
The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but managed to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy a leg of mutton. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, lifted up her skirt to show her thighs.
The butcher got the message and the lady went home with mutton legs.
The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she didn't know how to say, and so she unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breast. The lady got what she wanted.
The 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store. (PLEASE SCROLL PAGE DOWN!)
What were you thinking?
Helloooooooooo! Her husband speaks English!!
Now get back to work...........
(Sent by: Dicala on October 23, 2007.)
The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but managed to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy a leg of mutton. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, lifted up her skirt to show her thighs.
The butcher got the message and the lady went home with mutton legs.
The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she didn't know how to say, and so she unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breast. The lady got what she wanted.
The 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store. (PLEASE SCROLL PAGE DOWN!)
What were you thinking?
Helloooooooooo! Her husband speaks English!!
Now get back to work...........
(Sent by: Dicala on October 23, 2007.)
Clock
This is a Malaysian joke, I guess only we Malaysians will understand and get a good laugh of out it...
An Indian man died and went to heaven. When he arrived at the heaven Gate Siva the God said, 'Come on in. I'll show you around. You'll like it here.'
Walking through the gates, the man noticed clocks everywhere. There were grandfather clocks, wall clocks, watches, and clocks in every corner. It appeared that heaven was nothing more than a giant clock warehouse.
Surprised at how heaven looked, the man asked, 'God Siva, what's the deal? Why are all these clocks here in heaven?'
God Siva replied, 'The clocks keep track of things on earth. There is one clock for each person. Every time the person on earth tells a lie, his clock moves one minute.'
'For instance, this clock is for VK Lingam the lawyer. If you watch it closely, it will move.
'Click', the minute hand on VK Lingam's clock moved one minute. 'Click', it moved another minute.
'VK Lingam must be with some Judges right now.' said God Siva. 'The minute hand on his clock moves all day.'
'Why the minute hand suddenly jumps three times?'
God Siva smiles and said: 'He must have just said correct, correct, correct!'.
I see it jumps like that quite often.
The man and God Siva continued walking.
Soon, they came to a strange looking clock with some springs sticking out.
Siva said ' Oh ! That is Paul Augustine's clock. During the Anwar's trial, the clock span so fast and the springs came out each time he said 'irrelevant and irrelevant'. Now it is moving quite smoothly'.
The man and God Siva continued their walk . They came to a clock with cobwebs on the minute hand. 'Whose clock is this?' asked the man.
That clock belongs to the Lawyer Karpal Singh.. He is one of the finest, God-fearing, people on earth. I bet his clock hasn't moved in a year or two.'
They continued walking and touring heaven. The man enjoyed watching the clocks of all his friends.
When the tour was finished, the man said, 'I've seen everyone's clock but Mr.Samy Vellu's. Where is his clock?'
God Siva smiled, 'Just look up. We use his clock as a ceiling fan.
(Forwarded by Dicala on August 2, 2008.)
An Indian man died and went to heaven. When he arrived at the heaven Gate Siva the God said, 'Come on in. I'll show you around. You'll like it here.'
Walking through the gates, the man noticed clocks everywhere. There were grandfather clocks, wall clocks, watches, and clocks in every corner. It appeared that heaven was nothing more than a giant clock warehouse.
Surprised at how heaven looked, the man asked, 'God Siva, what's the deal? Why are all these clocks here in heaven?'
God Siva replied, 'The clocks keep track of things on earth. There is one clock for each person. Every time the person on earth tells a lie, his clock moves one minute.'
'For instance, this clock is for VK Lingam the lawyer. If you watch it closely, it will move.
'Click', the minute hand on VK Lingam's clock moved one minute. 'Click', it moved another minute.
'VK Lingam must be with some Judges right now.' said God Siva. 'The minute hand on his clock moves all day.'
'Why the minute hand suddenly jumps three times?'
God Siva smiles and said: 'He must have just said correct, correct, correct!'.
I see it jumps like that quite often.
The man and God Siva continued walking.
Soon, they came to a strange looking clock with some springs sticking out.
Siva said ' Oh ! That is Paul Augustine's clock. During the Anwar's trial, the clock span so fast and the springs came out each time he said 'irrelevant and irrelevant'. Now it is moving quite smoothly'.
The man and God Siva continued their walk . They came to a clock with cobwebs on the minute hand. 'Whose clock is this?' asked the man.
That clock belongs to the Lawyer Karpal Singh.. He is one of the finest, God-fearing, people on earth. I bet his clock hasn't moved in a year or two.'
They continued walking and touring heaven. The man enjoyed watching the clocks of all his friends.
When the tour was finished, the man said, 'I've seen everyone's clock but Mr.Samy Vellu's. Where is his clock?'
God Siva smiled, 'Just look up. We use his clock as a ceiling fan.
(Forwarded by Dicala on August 2, 2008.)
Grilled and Baked BARISAN Politician Head
A cannibal-head hunter was walking through the Sarawak jungle and came upon a
restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal-head hunter.
Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu...
1) Any Tourist: RM 5.00
2) Broiled Korean Missionary: RM 10.00
3) Fried American Explorer: RM 15.00
4) Grilled and baked BARISAN Politician: RM 100.00
The cannibal-head hunter called the cook over and asked, 'Why such a big price difference for the BARISAN Politician's head?'
The cook replied, 'Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of shit, it takes all morning to prepare it.
(Forwarded by Dicala dicala@gmail.com on March 11, 2009.)
restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal-head hunter.
Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu...
1) Any Tourist: RM 5.00
2) Broiled Korean Missionary: RM 10.00
3) Fried American Explorer: RM 15.00
4) Grilled and baked BARISAN Politician: RM 100.00
The cannibal-head hunter called the cook over and asked, 'Why such a big price difference for the BARISAN Politician's head?'
The cook replied, 'Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of shit, it takes all morning to prepare it.
(Forwarded by Dicala dicala@gmail.com on March 11, 2009.)
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
A 90 year old man
A 90 year old man went for his annual check up and the doctor said, "Friend, for your age your in the best shape I've seen."
The old feller replied, "Yep. It comes from clean living. Why I know I live a good, clean, spiritual life." The doctor asked, "What makes you say that?" The old man replied, "If I didn't live a good, clean life the Lord wouldn't turn the bathroom light on for me every time I get up in the middle of the night."
The doc was concerned. "You mean when you get up in the night to go to the bathroom, the Lord Himself turns on the light for you?"
"Yep," the old man said, "Whenever I get up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for me."
Well, the doctor didn't say anything else, but when the old man's wife came in for her check up, he felt he had to let her know what her husband said.
"I just want you to know," the doctor said. "Your husband's in fine physical shape but I'm worried about his mental condition He told me that every night when he gets up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for him."
"He what?" she cried.
"He said every night when he gets up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for him."
"Aha!!!" she exclaimed. "So he's the one who's been peeing in the refrigerator!"
(To be deleted from my Hotmail Inbox July 9, 1999)
The old feller replied, "Yep. It comes from clean living. Why I know I live a good, clean, spiritual life." The doctor asked, "What makes you say that?" The old man replied, "If I didn't live a good, clean life the Lord wouldn't turn the bathroom light on for me every time I get up in the middle of the night."
The doc was concerned. "You mean when you get up in the night to go to the bathroom, the Lord Himself turns on the light for you?"
"Yep," the old man said, "Whenever I get up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for me."
Well, the doctor didn't say anything else, but when the old man's wife came in for her check up, he felt he had to let her know what her husband said.
"I just want you to know," the doctor said. "Your husband's in fine physical shape but I'm worried about his mental condition He told me that every night when he gets up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for him."
"He what?" she cried.
"He said every night when he gets up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for him."
"Aha!!!" she exclaimed. "So he's the one who's been peeing in the refrigerator!"
(To be deleted from my Hotmail Inbox July 9, 1999)
Student Vs Professor
After having failed his exam in 'Logistics and Organization ', a student goes and confronts his lecturer about it.
Student: 'Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?'
Professor: 'Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!'
Student: 'Great, well then I would like to ask you a question.
If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go. If you however do not know the answer, I want you give me an 'A' for the exam. '
Professor: 'Okay, it's a deal. So what is the question?'
Student: 'What is legal, but not logical, logical, but not legal, and neither logical, nor legal? '
Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an 'A', as agreed.
Afterward, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same question.
He immediately answers: 'Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 35 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 25 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. The fact that you have given your wife's lover an 'A', although he really should have failed, is neither legal, nor logical .'
(Sent to my Hotmail address by Monica on February 2, 2008)
Student: 'Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?'
Professor: 'Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!'
Student: 'Great, well then I would like to ask you a question.
If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go. If you however do not know the answer, I want you give me an 'A' for the exam. '
Professor: 'Okay, it's a deal. So what is the question?'
Student: 'What is legal, but not logical, logical, but not legal, and neither logical, nor legal? '
Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an 'A', as agreed.
Afterward, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same question.
He immediately answers: 'Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 35 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 25 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. The fact that you have given your wife's lover an 'A', although he really should have failed, is neither legal, nor logical .'
(Sent to my Hotmail address by Monica on February 2, 2008)
Something to brighten your day
Something to de-stress yourself.
Have some fun reading.....
Failure is not when ur girlfriend leaves you... It's only when u leave her a virgin.
Tension is when wife is pregnant!
Terror: When girlfriend is pregnant!
Horror: When both r pregnant!
Tragedy: When U r Not responsible 4 both!
The Blue Whale ejaculates over 40 gallons of Sperm when Mating. Only 10% enters the female.
And you always wondered why the sea tasted Salty?!
Why is it that a girl looks down when u say I love u?
To see if u really mean it!
Why is sex similar to shaving?
Well, because no matter how well u do it today,
tomorrow u have to do it again.
Wives are funny creatures. They don't have sex with their husbands for weeks and then
they want to kill the woman who does.
Wife: My hubby & I have, what he calls-olympic sex .
Friend: Wow, must be a terrific sex life?
Wife: Not really. It only happens once in 4 Years.
The stock markets now are like an old man's dick?
Just refusing to rise, and the irony is that everyone is still getting fxxked!
This week is Breast Awareness Week. Spread the slogan:
We stare because we care!
The saddest part of a Man's body is his Balls.
The Lord Almighty sentenced them to : Hang Till Death !
A loud scream comes from the bedroom and the husband runs in.
He sees a guy leaping out of the window.
Wife yells: That guy just screwed me twice!
Husband: Twice? Why didn't you call me in after he screwed you once?
Wife: Because I thought it was you, until he started the second time.
What is the difference between a chicken and a baby?
Chicken is the result of a sitting hen while the baby is the result of standing cock.
If a bomb bursts in a bra, what would you get?
Tit-Bits.
And if it bursts in a man's underwear?
Banana split.
What's the diff between a bomb n a condom?
In a bomb blast population decreases & if a condom blasts population increases.
(Sent by Alfred: sagas@tm.net.my on February 18, 2009.)
Have some fun reading.....
Failure is not when ur girlfriend leaves you... It's only when u leave her a virgin.
Tension is when wife is pregnant!
Terror: When girlfriend is pregnant!
Horror: When both r pregnant!
Tragedy: When U r Not responsible 4 both!
The Blue Whale ejaculates over 40 gallons of Sperm when Mating. Only 10% enters the female.
And you always wondered why the sea tasted Salty?!
Why is it that a girl looks down when u say I love u?
To see if u really mean it!
Why is sex similar to shaving?
Well, because no matter how well u do it today,
tomorrow u have to do it again.
Wives are funny creatures. They don't have sex with their husbands for weeks and then
they want to kill the woman who does.
Wife: My hubby & I have, what he calls-olympic sex .
Friend: Wow, must be a terrific sex life?
Wife: Not really. It only happens once in 4 Years.
The stock markets now are like an old man's dick?
Just refusing to rise, and the irony is that everyone is still getting fxxked!
This week is Breast Awareness Week. Spread the slogan:
We stare because we care!
The saddest part of a Man's body is his Balls.
The Lord Almighty sentenced them to : Hang Till Death !
A loud scream comes from the bedroom and the husband runs in.
He sees a guy leaping out of the window.
Wife yells: That guy just screwed me twice!
Husband: Twice? Why didn't you call me in after he screwed you once?
Wife: Because I thought it was you, until he started the second time.
What is the difference between a chicken and a baby?
Chicken is the result of a sitting hen while the baby is the result of standing cock.
If a bomb bursts in a bra, what would you get?
Tit-Bits.
And if it bursts in a man's underwear?
Banana split.
What's the diff between a bomb n a condom?
In a bomb blast population decreases & if a condom blasts population increases.
(Sent by Alfred: sagas@tm.net.my on February 18, 2009.)
1. A recent survey asked 100 sexually active men what they most enjoyed about a blow job.
99.9% of them said, 'the 10 minutes of silence'!
2. Advantages of having an affair with a married woman?
They give like hell.. They do not yell. They do not tell. They do not swell and there is no wedding bell.
3. Women have to be more beautiful than smart:
Cause men see better than they think.
4. Woman's Quote of the Day:
Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something with which you'd like to have dinner with.
Men's Counter-Quote of the Day :
Women are like fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and
intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary and give you a headache.
5. A woman once said that a man is like a deck of playing cards. You need:
a HEART to love him,
a DIAMOND to marry him,
a CLUB to smash his head in, and
a SPADE to bury him!
6. What's the definition of a gynaecologist?
He is the only fool on the earth who looks for problems in a place where most other people find pleasure!
7. What is the similarity between a wife and a chewing gum?
Both are sweet in the beginning and become tasteless and shapeless later.
8. What is the strongest muscle?
The tongue. It can raise a woman's hip with just one lick!
9. Why is the 69 position like driving in rush hour?
The arsehole is always in front of you.
10. What is the difference between a panty
& a stage curtain?
When you pull down the stage curtain, the show is over... but when you pull down the panties, it's SHOWTIME!
11. A divorced man meets his ex-wife's new husband at a party. Later after knocking back a few drinks, he goes over to the new guy and asks him:
So..... how do you like using second hand stuff?
The new husband replied:
It isn't that bad. Past the first three inches, its all brand new.
12. A lady bought her ex a present for his birthday. He opened it and said, 'What the hell do I want with a rocket?'
She said, 'You wanted space... now fly off!'
13. It's funny how as we get older, our priorities change. The other morning I awoke to see my wife standing beside the bed, dressed in very skimpy underwear and holding several pieces of velvet rope.
Tie me up and you can do anything you want, she purred . So I tied her up and went fishing.
(Sent by: Teresa teresawee@hotmail.com on November 16, 2008)
99.9% of them said, 'the 10 minutes of silence'!
2. Advantages of having an affair with a married woman?
They give like hell.. They do not yell. They do not tell. They do not swell and there is no wedding bell.
3. Women have to be more beautiful than smart:
Cause men see better than they think.
4. Woman's Quote of the Day:
Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something with which you'd like to have dinner with.
Men's Counter-Quote of the Day :
Women are like fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and
intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary and give you a headache.
5. A woman once said that a man is like a deck of playing cards. You need:
a HEART to love him,
a DIAMOND to marry him,
a CLUB to smash his head in, and
a SPADE to bury him!
6. What's the definition of a gynaecologist?
He is the only fool on the earth who looks for problems in a place where most other people find pleasure!
7. What is the similarity between a wife and a chewing gum?
Both are sweet in the beginning and become tasteless and shapeless later.
8. What is the strongest muscle?
The tongue. It can raise a woman's hip with just one lick!
9. Why is the 69 position like driving in rush hour?
The arsehole is always in front of you.
10. What is the difference between a panty
& a stage curtain?
When you pull down the stage curtain, the show is over... but when you pull down the panties, it's SHOWTIME!
11. A divorced man meets his ex-wife's new husband at a party. Later after knocking back a few drinks, he goes over to the new guy and asks him:
So..... how do you like using second hand stuff?
The new husband replied:
It isn't that bad. Past the first three inches, its all brand new.
12. A lady bought her ex a present for his birthday. He opened it and said, 'What the hell do I want with a rocket?'
She said, 'You wanted space... now fly off!'
13. It's funny how as we get older, our priorities change. The other morning I awoke to see my wife standing beside the bed, dressed in very skimpy underwear and holding several pieces of velvet rope.
Tie me up and you can do anything you want, she purred . So I tied her up and went fishing.
(Sent by: Teresa teresawee@hotmail.com on November 16, 2008)
Smart Boy
A beautiful teacher was having trouble with one of her students in 1st Grade class.
She asked,Boy. What is your problem?
Boy answered,
I'm too smart for the first-grade.
My sister is in the third-grade
And I'm smarter than she is!
I think I should be in the 4th Grade!
Madam had enough.
She took the boy to the Principal's office.
While the boy waited in the outer office,
Madam explained to the principal what the situation was.
The principal told Madam he would give the boy a test.
And If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade And Behave.
She agreed.
The boy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he
agreed to take the test.
Principal: What is 3 x 3?
Boy.: 9.
Principal: What is 6 x 6?
Boy.: 36.
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 4th grade should know.
The principal looks at Madam and tells her,
I think this Boy can go to the 4th grade.
Madam says to the principal,
I have some of my own questions.
Can I ask him?
The principal and the boy both agreed.
Madam asks,
What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?
Boy, after a moment,
* Legs.*
Madam:
What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?
Boy.:
* Pockets. *
Madam:
What starts with a C and ends with a T,
Is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Boy.:
* Coconut ; *
Madam:
What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?
The Principal's eyes open really wide
And Before he could stop the answer,
The boy was taking charge.
Boy.:
* Bubble-gum. *
Madam:
What does a man do standing up, A woman does sitting down
And A dog does on three legs?
The Principal's eyes open really wide
And
Before, he could stop the answer...
Boy.:
* Shake hands. *
Madam:
A finger goes in me.
You fiddle with me when you're bored.
The best man always has me first.
Boy.:
* Wedding Ring. *
Madam:
I come in many sizes.
When I'm not well, I drip.
When you blow me, You feel good.
Boy.:
* Nose. *
Madam:
I have a stiff shaft.
My tip penetrates.
I come with a quiver..
Boy.:
* Arrow. *
Madam:
What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K'
That means lot of heat and excitement?
Boy.:
* Fire-truck. *
Madam:
What four-letter word that starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K'
If you don't get it, You have to use your hand.
Boy.:
* Fork. *
Madam:
What is it that all men have one of, it's longer on some men than on others,
The Pope doesn't use his, And A man gives it to his wife after they're married?
Boy.:
* SURNAME. *
Madam:
What part of the man has no bone But has muscles,
Has lots of veins, Like pumping,
Is responsible for making love ?
Boy.:
* HEART. *
The principal breathed a sigh of relief
And Said to the teacher,
Send this Boy to grade 5, * *
I got the last ten questions wrong myself!.*
(Contributed By: Mej Nizam Daud a_je1977@yahoo.com on October 29, 2009.)
She asked,Boy. What is your problem?
Boy answered,
I'm too smart for the first-grade.
My sister is in the third-grade
And I'm smarter than she is!
I think I should be in the 4th Grade!
Madam had enough.
She took the boy to the Principal's office.
While the boy waited in the outer office,
Madam explained to the principal what the situation was.
The principal told Madam he would give the boy a test.
And If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade And Behave.
She agreed.
The boy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he
agreed to take the test.
Principal: What is 3 x 3?
Boy.: 9.
Principal: What is 6 x 6?
Boy.: 36.
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 4th grade should know.
The principal looks at Madam and tells her,
I think this Boy can go to the 4th grade.
Madam says to the principal,
I have some of my own questions.
Can I ask him?
The principal and the boy both agreed.
Madam asks,
What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?
Boy, after a moment,
* Legs.*
Madam:
What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?
Boy.:
* Pockets. *
Madam:
What starts with a C and ends with a T,
Is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Boy.:
* Coconut ; *
Madam:
What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?
The Principal's eyes open really wide
And Before he could stop the answer,
The boy was taking charge.
Boy.:
* Bubble-gum. *
Madam:
What does a man do standing up, A woman does sitting down
And A dog does on three legs?
The Principal's eyes open really wide
And
Before, he could stop the answer...
Boy.:
* Shake hands. *
Madam:
A finger goes in me.
You fiddle with me when you're bored.
The best man always has me first.
Boy.:
* Wedding Ring. *
Madam:
I come in many sizes.
When I'm not well, I drip.
When you blow me, You feel good.
Boy.:
* Nose. *
Madam:
I have a stiff shaft.
My tip penetrates.
I come with a quiver..
Boy.:
* Arrow. *
Madam:
What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K'
That means lot of heat and excitement?
Boy.:
* Fire-truck. *
Madam:
What four-letter word that starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K'
If you don't get it, You have to use your hand.
Boy.:
* Fork. *
Madam:
What is it that all men have one of, it's longer on some men than on others,
The Pope doesn't use his, And A man gives it to his wife after they're married?
Boy.:
* SURNAME. *
Madam:
What part of the man has no bone But has muscles,
Has lots of veins, Like pumping,
Is responsible for making love ?
Boy.:
* HEART. *
The principal breathed a sigh of relief
And Said to the teacher,
Send this Boy to grade 5, * *
I got the last ten questions wrong myself!.*
(Contributed By: Mej Nizam Daud a_je1977@yahoo.com on October 29, 2009.)
Saturday, August 14, 2010
當你選擇丈夫時
當你選擇丈夫時，請先把工程師與以下的頭班作一番比較︰
一.醫生
幾乎所有女人都喜歡追求當醫生的。所以不要期望你們的婚
姻能持續五年以上，因為早晚有一天，他會跟某個護士小姐跑掉的，或是被一個假裝生病的年輕女人勾引走。這種倒霉事還往往發生在你已經為他生了幾個小孩的時候。
你的工程師丈夫不會發生這種事。因為他忙得連見你的時間都很少，更別說有機會跟他工作以外的其它女人接觸了。
二律師
你真認為你可以和一個靠撒謊謀生的人能保持誠實、信任的關係嗎？
而你不用擔心你的工程師丈夫，他笨拙的社交能力將無法掩蓋他的謊言。跟律師結婚還有一個危險，那就是離婚時，官司往往他打贏，你將一無所有。
三. 推銷員
他的可信程度比律師還差。另外，他還要常常離家出差，或是到處上課和開會，和那些有著同樣可信度的人混在一起。如果有一天你被邀請出席聞所未聞的千人大派對時，你不要感到驚訝。
而你的工程師丈夫卻被公司整天關在那叫做“小隔間”的鳥籠裡,除了回家，那裡都去不了。
四.老師
男人當教師的唯一目的是，他能整天被一大群青春貌美,又盲目崇拜他的女學生團團圍住。于是，他很快就會被抓到監獄，那時你只得琵琶別抱另尋郎。
其它危險的頭班，如消防員，建築工人等。如果你嫁給這種人，他即便沒有因意外事故死亡，也很可能會因脊椎受損而導致性無能。要命的是，那時正值你的性需求尖峰期。
而你那位工程師丈夫要面對的唯一危險是，由於整日盯著計算機，視力將會衰退。這危險其實對 你有好處︰當你變老時，他不會注意到，因為他的視力模糊了。但他的記憶力卻非常好，仍記著你們初次相會時你那年輕美麗的容貌。假如你擔心他在望著別的年輕女人，對他說︰「親愛的，你干嘛老瞧著她呀？」他會很誠實地回答說︰「我根本無法看清那女人的臉﹗」
------------------------------------------------------------------------
嫁給工程師的好處 [反証版]
1.男工程師不修邊幅，所以家裡不用保持太整潔。
2.男工程師很難有女朋友，所以他會對目前的這個死心塌地。
3.. 男工程師呆板無趣，根本不活在人的社會中，只活在圖表的世界裡, 所以你不必花心思去取悅他。
4.男工程師視修理東西為娛樂，在你生氣時大可在他面前摔東西出氣，他會很高興的幫你修好又不必花錢。
5.男工程師IQ都不低，所以嫁給他后可以生一堆這樣的兒子考一堆的滿分讓你去跟街坊炫耀。
6. 男工程師待在研究室的時間比在家裡多，所以嫁給他以後還是很自由。
7.男工程師口才太差根本講不過你，所以你可以盡情用言辭凌辱他。
8. 男工程師最講求【理】，所以你有理的話他服你；他如果有理，你就不要跟他講理，他對你一點辦法也沒有。
9.男工程師薪水不錯，自己不會娛樂不怎么花錢也很少女人花他錢，所以你可以大大方方的花他錢，並且告訴他這是促進經濟繁榮，他做出來的東西才有人買。
10. 男工程師除了以上之外毫無魅力可言，所以嫁給他不用擔心他有外遇。
一.醫生
幾乎所有女人都喜歡追求當醫生的。所以不要期望你們的婚
姻能持續五年以上，因為早晚有一天，他會跟某個護士小姐跑掉的，或是被一個假裝生病的年輕女人勾引走。這種倒霉事還往往發生在你已經為他生了幾個小孩的時候。
你的工程師丈夫不會發生這種事。因為他忙得連見你的時間都很少，更別說有機會跟他工作以外的其它女人接觸了。
二律師
你真認為你可以和一個靠撒謊謀生的人能保持誠實、信任的關係嗎？
而你不用擔心你的工程師丈夫，他笨拙的社交能力將無法掩蓋他的謊言。跟律師結婚還有一個危險，那就是離婚時，官司往往他打贏，你將一無所有。
三. 推銷員
他的可信程度比律師還差。另外，他還要常常離家出差，或是到處上課和開會，和那些有著同樣可信度的人混在一起。如果有一天你被邀請出席聞所未聞的千人大派對時，你不要感到驚訝。
而你的工程師丈夫卻被公司整天關在那叫做“小隔間”的鳥籠裡,除了回家，那裡都去不了。
四.老師
男人當教師的唯一目的是，他能整天被一大群青春貌美,又盲目崇拜他的女學生團團圍住。于是，他很快就會被抓到監獄，那時你只得琵琶別抱另尋郎。
其它危險的頭班，如消防員，建築工人等。如果你嫁給這種人，他即便沒有因意外事故死亡，也很可能會因脊椎受損而導致性無能。要命的是，那時正值你的性需求尖峰期。
而你那位工程師丈夫要面對的唯一危險是，由於整日盯著計算機，視力將會衰退。這危險其實對 你有好處︰當你變老時，他不會注意到，因為他的視力模糊了。但他的記憶力卻非常好，仍記著你們初次相會時你那年輕美麗的容貌。假如你擔心他在望著別的年輕女人，對他說︰「親愛的，你干嘛老瞧著她呀？」他會很誠實地回答說︰「我根本無法看清那女人的臉﹗」
------------------------------------------------------------------------
嫁給工程師的好處 [反証版]
1.男工程師不修邊幅，所以家裡不用保持太整潔。
2.男工程師很難有女朋友，所以他會對目前的這個死心塌地。
3.. 男工程師呆板無趣，根本不活在人的社會中，只活在圖表的世界裡, 所以你不必花心思去取悅他。
4.男工程師視修理東西為娛樂，在你生氣時大可在他面前摔東西出氣，他會很高興的幫你修好又不必花錢。
5.男工程師IQ都不低，所以嫁給他后可以生一堆這樣的兒子考一堆的滿分讓你去跟街坊炫耀。
6. 男工程師待在研究室的時間比在家裡多，所以嫁給他以後還是很自由。
7.男工程師口才太差根本講不過你，所以你可以盡情用言辭凌辱他。
8. 男工程師最講求【理】，所以你有理的話他服你；他如果有理，你就不要跟他講理，他對你一點辦法也沒有。
9.男工程師薪水不錯，自己不會娛樂不怎么花錢也很少女人花他錢，所以你可以大大方方的花他錢，並且告訴他這是促進經濟繁榮，他做出來的東西才有人買。
10. 男工程師除了以上之外毫無魅力可言，所以嫁給他不用擔心他有外遇。
Friday, August 13, 2010
Husband for sale
A store that sells husbands has just opened in Johannesburg, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!
There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch . ... you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.
The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.
The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead good looking and help with the housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!
Please send this to all men for a good laugh and to all the women who can handle the truth!
(Contributed By: Mej Nizam Daud a_ je" a_je1977@yahoo.com; November 11, 2009.)
There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch . ... you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.
The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.
The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead good looking and help with the housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!
Please send this to all men for a good laugh and to all the women who can handle the truth!
(Contributed By: Mej Nizam Daud a_ je" a_je1977@yahoo.com; November 11, 2009.)
Dirty Jokes
Hope none of these are too dirty
Why is sex like a bridge game?
You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.
What's the speed limit of sex?
68; at 69 you have to turn around.
What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?
Beat it - we're closed.
What's the difference between sin and shame?
It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.
Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box?
She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, Lie to me!
Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
Their balls are just for decoration.
What three words are most likely to strike panic when you making love?
Honey I'm home.
My Dr. refused to write me a prescription for Viagra.
He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.
(Contributed By: Mej Nizam Daud a_je1977@yahoo.com, August November 11, 2009)
Why is sex like a bridge game?
You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.
What's the speed limit of sex?
68; at 69 you have to turn around.
What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?
Beat it - we're closed.
What's the difference between sin and shame?
It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.
Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box?
She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, Lie to me!
Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
Their balls are just for decoration.
What three words are most likely to strike panic when you making love?
Honey I'm home.
My Dr. refused to write me a prescription for Viagra.
He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.
(Contributed By: Mej Nizam Daud a_je1977@yahoo.com, August November 11, 2009)
Clever lawyer vs Policeman
A lawyer drives through a stop sign and gets pulled over by a policeman. He thinks that he is cleverer than the officer and decides to talk his way out of a fine.
Show me your licence and registration, says the policeman.
What for? says the lawyer.
You didn't stop at the stop sign.
I slowed down and no-one was coming.
You still didn't come to a complete stop.
What's the difference?
The difference is you have to come to a complete stop, that's the law.
If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, says the lawyer, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go.
Get out of the vehicle, please, sir, says the policeman.
The solicitor gets out and the policeman starts beating the hell out of him with his truncheon. Do you want me to stop? asks the cop, or just slow down?
(Contributed by Mej Nizam Daud; a_je1977@yahoo.com dated August 17, 2009)
Show me your licence and registration, says the policeman.
What for? says the lawyer.
You didn't stop at the stop sign.
I slowed down and no-one was coming.
You still didn't come to a complete stop.
What's the difference?
The difference is you have to come to a complete stop, that's the law.
If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, says the lawyer, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go.
Get out of the vehicle, please, sir, says the policeman.
The solicitor gets out and the policeman starts beating the hell out of him with his truncheon. Do you want me to stop? asks the cop, or just slow down?
(Contributed by Mej Nizam Daud; a_je1977@yahoo.com dated August 17, 2009)
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