男人最怕的三个答案

男人最怕的三个答案

（1）随 便 (Whatever)
男：今天 晚上咱们吃什么？ Men: What to have for dinner?
女：随便。 Women: Whatever..
男：吃火锅吧。 Men: Why not we have steamboat?
女：不行，吃火锅脸上要长痘痘。Women: Don't want la, eat steamboat later got pimples in my face
男：要不咱们吃川菜。 Men: Alright, why not we have Si Chuan cuisine
女：昨天刚吃的川菜，今天又吃 ....... Women: Yesterday ate Si Chuan, today eat again?
男：那咱们吃海鲜去？ Men: Hmm..... I suggest we have seafood
女：海鲜不好，吃了�shy;肚子。 Women: Seafood no good la, later I got diarrhea
男：那你说吃什么？ Men: Then what you suggest?
女：随便。 Women : Whatever..


（2）都行 (Anything)
男：那咱们现在到底做什么？ Men: So what should we do now?
女：都行。 Women: Anything
男：看电影怎么样？很久没看电影了。 Men: How about watching movie? Long time we didn't watch movie
女：电影有啥好看的，耽误时间。 Women: Watching movie no good la, waste time only
男：那打保龄球，运动运动？ Men: How about we play bowling, do some exercises?
女：大热天的运什么动啊，不嫌累啊？ Women: Exercise in such hot day? You not feel tire meh?
男：那找个咖啡店坐坐，喝点水。 Men: Then find a café and have drink
女：喝咖啡影响睡眠。 Women: Drink coffee will affect my sleep
男：那你说干什么？ Men: Then what you suggest?
女：都行！ Women: Anything


（ 3）看你 (You decide)
男：那咱们干脆回家好了。 Men: Then we just go home lo
女：看你。 Women: You decide
男：坐公车吧，我送你。 Men: Let take bus, I will accompany you
女：公车又脏又挤，算了吧。 Women: Bus is dirty and crowded. Don't want la
男：那就打车走。 Men: Ok we will take Taxi
女：这么近的路不划算。 Women: Not worth it la... for such a short distance
男：那走路好了，散散步？ Men: Alright, then we walk lo. Take a slow walk
女：空着肚子散哪门子步啊？ Women: What to walk with empty stomach woh?
男：那你想怎么着啊？ Men: Then what you suggest?
女：看你。 Women: You decide
男：那就先吃饭？ Men: Let's have dinner first
女：随便。 Women: Whatever...
男：吃什么？ Men: Eat what?
女：都行 Women: Anyting
（看看四下无人，杀了她...... ） (Look around...... ifno one here, gonna kill her....)

(Sent by: Roger today)

The old motor

The marriage of an 80-year-old man and a 20-year-old woman was the talk of the town. After being married a year, the couple went to the hospital for the birth of their first child.

The attending nurse came out of the delivery room to congratulate the old gentleman and said, 'This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?'

The old man grinned and said, 'You got to keep the old motor running.'

The following year, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their second child. The same nurse was attending the delivery and again went out to congratulate the old gentleman.

She said, 'Sir, you are something else. How do you manage it?'

The old man grinned and said, 'You gotta keep the old motor running.'

A year later, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their third child.

The same nurse was there for this birth also and after the delivery, she once again approached the old gentleman, smiled, and said, 'Well, you surely are something else! How do you do it?'

The old man replied, 'It's like I've told you before, you got to keep the old motor running.'

The nurse, still smiling, patted him on the back and said: Well, I guess it's time to change the oil. This one's black.

Today's jokes

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
So he tied her up and went golfing.
**************************************************
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"
The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."
**************************************************
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.
**************************************************
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters:
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
"Can you read this?" the optician asked.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
**************************************************

No speaking English

There was this Asian lady married to an American gentleman and they lived in Honolulu.

The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but managed to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy a leg of mutton. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, lifted up her skirt to show her thighs.

The butcher got the message and the lady went home with mutton legs.

The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she didn't know how to say, and so she unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breast. The lady got what she wanted.

The 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store. (PLEASE SCROLL PAGE DOWN!)








What were you thinking?
















Helloooooooooo! Her husband speaks English!!
Now get back to work...........

(Sent by: Dicala on October 23, 2007.)

Clock

This is a Malaysian joke, I guess only we Malaysians will understand and get a good laugh of out it...


An Indian man died and went to heaven. When he arrived at the heaven Gate Siva the God said, 'Come on in. I'll show you around. You'll like it here.'

Walking through the gates, the man noticed clocks everywhere. There were grandfather clocks, wall clocks, watches, and clocks in every corner. It appeared that heaven was nothing more than a giant clock warehouse.

Surprised at how heaven looked, the man asked, 'God Siva, what's the deal? Why are all these clocks here in heaven?'

God Siva replied, 'The clocks keep track of things on earth. There is one clock for each person. Every time the person on earth tells a lie, his clock moves one minute.'
'For instance, this clock is for VK Lingam the lawyer. If you watch it closely, it will move.

'Click', the minute hand on VK Lingam's clock moved one minute. 'Click', it moved another minute.

'VK Lingam must be with some Judges right now.' said God Siva. 'The minute hand on his clock moves all day.'

'Why the minute hand suddenly jumps three times?'

God Siva smiles and said: 'He must have just said correct, correct, correct!'.
I see it jumps like that quite often.

The man and God Siva continued walking.

Soon, they came to a strange looking clock with some springs sticking out.

Siva said ' Oh ! That is Paul Augustine's clock. During the Anwar's trial, the clock span so fast and the springs came out each time he said 'irrelevant and irrelevant'. Now it is moving quite smoothly'.

The man and God Siva continued their walk . They came to a clock with cobwebs on the minute hand. 'Whose clock is this?' asked the man.

That clock belongs to the Lawyer Karpal Singh.. He is one of the finest, God-fearing, people on earth. I bet his clock hasn't moved in a year or two.'

They continued walking and touring heaven. The man enjoyed watching the clocks of all his friends.

When the tour was finished, the man said, 'I've seen everyone's clock but Mr.Samy Vellu's. Where is his clock?'

God Siva smiled, 'Just look up. We use his clock as a ceiling fan.

(Forwarded by Dicala on August 2, 2008.)

Grilled and Baked BARISAN Politician Head

A cannibal-head hunter was walking through the Sarawak jungle and came upon a
restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal-head hunter.

Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu...

1) Any Tourist: RM 5.00

2) Broiled Korean Missionary: RM 10.00

3) Fried American Explorer: RM 15.00

4) Grilled and baked BARISAN Politician: RM 100.00

The cannibal-head hunter called the cook over and asked, 'Why such a big price difference for the BARISAN Politician's head?'

The cook replied, 'Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of shit, it takes all morning to prepare it.

(Forwarded by Dicala dicala@gmail.com on March 11, 2009.)

A 90 year old man

A 90 year old man went for his annual check up and the doctor said, "Friend, for your age your in the best shape I've seen."

The old feller replied, "Yep. It comes from clean living. Why I know I live a good, clean, spiritual life." The doctor asked, "What makes you say that?" The old man replied, "If I didn't live a good, clean life the Lord wouldn't turn the bathroom light on for me every time I get up in the middle of the night."

The doc was concerned. "You mean when you get up in the night to go to the bathroom, the Lord Himself turns on the light for you?"

"Yep," the old man said, "Whenever I get up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for me."

Well, the doctor didn't say anything else, but when the old man's wife came in for her check up, he felt he had to let her know what her husband said.

"I just want you to know," the doctor said. "Your husband's in fine physical shape but I'm worried about his mental condition He told me that every night when he gets up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for him."

"He what?" she cried.

"He said every night when he gets up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for him."

"Aha!!!" she exclaimed. "So he's the one who's been peeing in the refrigerator!"

(To be deleted from my Hotmail Inbox July 9, 1999)

Student Vs Professor

After having failed his exam in 'Logistics and Organization ', a student goes and confronts his lecturer about it.

Student: 'Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?'

Professor: 'Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!'

Student: 'Great, well then I would like to ask you a question.

If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go. If you however do not know the answer, I want you give me an 'A' for the exam. '

Professor: 'Okay, it's a deal. So what is the question?'

Student: 'What is legal, but not logical, logical, but not legal, and neither logical, nor legal? '

Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an 'A', as agreed.

Afterward, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same question.

He immediately answers: 'Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 35 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 25 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. The fact that you have given your wife's lover an 'A', although he really should have failed, is neither legal, nor logical .'

(Sent to my Hotmail address by Monica on February 2, 2008)

Something to brighten your day

Something to de-stress yourself.
Have some fun reading.....

Failure is not when ur girlfriend leaves you... It's only when u leave her a virgin.


Tension is when wife is pregnant!
Terror: When girlfriend is pregnant!
Horror: When both r pregnant!
Tragedy: When U r Not responsible 4 both!

The Blue Whale ejaculates over 40 gallons of Sperm when Mating. Only 10% enters the female.
And you always wondered why the sea tasted Salty?!

Why is it that a girl looks down when u say I love u?
To see if u really mean it!

Why is sex similar to shaving?
Well, because no matter how well u do it today,
tomorrow u have to do it again.

Wives are funny creatures. They don't have sex with their husbands for weeks and then
they want to kill the woman who does.

Wife: My hubby & I have, what he calls-olympic sex .
Friend: Wow, must be a terrific sex life?
Wife: Not really. It only happens once in 4 Years.

The stock markets now are like an old man's dick?
Just refusing to rise, and the irony is that everyone is still getting fxxked!

This week is Breast Awareness Week. Spread the slogan:
We stare because we care!

The saddest part of a Man's body is his Balls.
The Lord Almighty sentenced them to : Hang Till Death !

A loud scream comes from the bedroom and the husband runs in.
He sees a guy leaping out of the window.
Wife yells: That guy just screwed me twice!
Husband: Twice? Why didn't you call me in after he screwed you once?
Wife: Because I thought it was you, until he started the second time.

What is the difference between a chicken and a baby?
Chicken is the result of a sitting hen while the baby is the result of standing cock.

If a bomb bursts in a bra, what would you get?
Tit-Bits.
And if it bursts in a man's underwear?
Banana split.

What's the diff between a bomb n a condom?
In a bomb blast population decreases & if a condom blasts population increases.

(Sent by Alfred: sagas@tm.net.my on February 18, 2009.)

1. A recent survey asked 100 sexually active men what they most enjoyed about a blow job.
99.9% of them said, 'the 10 minutes of silence'!

2. Advantages of having an affair with a married woman?
They give like hell.. They do not yell. They do not tell. They do not swell and there is no wedding bell.

3. Women have to be more beautiful than smart:
Cause men see better than they think.

4. Woman's Quote of the Day:
Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something with which you'd like to have dinner with.

Men's Counter-Quote of the Day :
Women are like fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and
intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary and give you a headache.

5. A woman once said that a man is like a deck of playing cards. You need:
a HEART to love him,
a DIAMOND to marry him,
a CLUB to smash his head in, and
a SPADE to bury him!

6. What's the definition of a gynaecologist?
He is the only fool on the earth who looks for problems in a place where most other people find pleasure!

7. What is the similarity between a wife and a chewing gum?
Both are sweet in the beginning and become tasteless and shapeless later.

8. What is the strongest muscle?
The tongue. It can raise a woman's hip with just one lick!

9. Why is the 69 position like driving in rush hour?
The arsehole is always in front of you.

10. What is the difference between a panty
& a stage curtain?
When you pull down the stage curtain, the show is over... but when you pull down the panties, it's SHOWTIME!

11. A divorced man meets his ex-wife's new husband at a party. Later after knocking back a few drinks, he goes over to the new guy and asks him:
So..... how do you like using second hand stuff?

The new husband replied:
It isn't that bad. Past the first three inches, its all brand new.

12. A lady bought her ex a present for his birthday. He opened it and said, 'What the hell do I want with a rocket?'
She said, 'You wanted space... now fly off!'

13. It's funny how as we get older, our priorities change. The other morning I awoke to see my wife standing beside the bed, dressed in very skimpy underwear and holding several pieces of velvet rope.
Tie me up and you can do anything you want, she purred . So I tied her up and went fishing.

(Sent by: Teresa teresawee@hotmail.com on November 16, 2008)

Smart Boy

A beautiful teacher was having trouble with one of her students in 1st Grade class.
She asked,Boy. What is your problem?

Boy answered,
I'm too smart for the first-grade.
My sister is in the third-grade
And I'm smarter than she is!
I think I should be in the 4th Grade!
Madam had enough.
She took the boy to the Principal's office.
While the boy waited in the outer office,
Madam explained to the principal what the situation was.
The principal told Madam he would give the boy a test.
And If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade And Behave.
She agreed.

The boy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he
agreed to take the test.

Principal: What is 3 x 3?
Boy.: 9.

Principal: What is 6 x 6?
Boy.: 36.

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 4th grade should know.
The principal looks at Madam and tells her,
I think this Boy can go to the 4th grade.

Madam says to the principal,
I have some of my own questions.
Can I ask him?
The principal and the boy both agreed.

Madam asks,
What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?
Boy, after a moment,


* Legs.*


Madam:
What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?
Boy.:


* Pockets. *

Madam:
What starts with a C and ends with a T,
Is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Boy.:


* Coconut ; *

Madam:
What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?
The Principal's eyes open really wide
And Before he could stop the answer,
The boy was taking charge.
Boy.:


* Bubble-gum. *

Madam:
What does a man do standing up, A woman does sitting down
And A dog does on three legs?
The Principal's eyes open really wide
And
Before, he could stop the answer...
Boy.:


* Shake hands. *

Madam:
A finger goes in me.
You fiddle with me when you're bored.
The best man always has me first.
Boy.:


* Wedding Ring. *

Madam:
I come in many sizes.
When I'm not well, I drip.
When you blow me, You feel good.
Boy.:


* Nose. *

Madam:
I have a stiff shaft.
My tip penetrates.
I come with a quiver..
Boy.:


* Arrow. *

Madam:
What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K'
That means lot of heat and excitement?
Boy.:


* Fire-truck. *

Madam:
What four-letter word that starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K'
If you don't get it, You have to use your hand.
Boy.:


* Fork. *

Madam:
What is it that all men have one of, it's longer on some men than on others,
The Pope doesn't use his, And A man gives it to his wife after they're married?
Boy.:


* SURNAME. *

Madam:
What part of the man has no bone But has muscles,
Has lots of veins, Like pumping,
Is responsible for making love ?
Boy.:


* HEART. *

The principal breathed a sigh of relief
And Said to the teacher,
Send this Boy to grade 5, * *
I got the last ten questions wrong myself!.*

(Contributed By: Mej Nizam Daud a_je1977@yahoo.com on October 29, 2009.)

當你選擇丈夫時

當你選擇丈夫時，請先把工程師與以下的頭班作一番比較︰

一.醫生
幾乎所有女人都喜歡追求當醫生的。所以不要期望你們的婚
姻能持續五年以上，因為早晚有一天，他會跟某個護士小姐跑掉的，或是被一個假裝生病的年輕女人勾引走。這種倒霉事還往往發生在你已經為他生了幾個小孩的時候。
你的工程師丈夫不會發生這種事。因為他忙得連見你的時間都很少，更別說有機會跟他工作以外的其它女人接觸了。

二律師
你真認為你可以和一個靠撒謊謀生的人能保持誠實、信任的關係嗎？
而你不用擔心你的工程師丈夫，他笨拙的社交能力將無法掩蓋他的謊言。跟律師結婚還有一個危險，那就是離婚時，官司往往他打贏，你將一無所有。

三. 推銷員
他的可信程度比律師還差。另外，他還要常常離家出差，或是到處上課和開會，和那些有著同樣可信度的人混在一起。如果有一天你被邀請出席聞所未聞的千人大派對時，你不要感到驚訝。
而你的工程師丈夫卻被公司整天關在那叫做“小隔間”的鳥籠裡,除了回家，那裡都去不了。

四.老師
男人當教師的唯一目的是，他能整天被一大群青春貌美,又盲目崇拜他的女學生團團圍住。于是，他很快就會被抓到監獄，那時你只得琵琶別抱另尋郎。
其它危險的頭班，如消防員，建築工人等。如果你嫁給這種人，他即便沒有因意外事故死亡，也很可能會因脊椎受損而導致性無能。要命的是，那時正值你的性需求尖峰期。
而你那位工程師丈夫要面對的唯一危險是，由於整日盯著計算機，視力將會衰退。這危險其實對 你有好處︰當你變老時，他不會注意到，因為他的視力模糊了。但他的記憶力卻非常好，仍記著你們初次相會時你那年輕美麗的容貌。假如你擔心他在望著別的年輕女人，對他說︰「親愛的，你干嘛老瞧著她呀？」他會很誠實地回答說︰「我根本無法看清那女人的臉﹗」
------------------------------------------------------------------------
嫁給工程師的好處 [反証版]
1.男工程師不修邊幅，所以家裡不用保持太整潔。
2.男工程師很難有女朋友，所以他會對目前的這個死心塌地。
3.. 男工程師呆板無趣，根本不活在人的社會中，只活在圖表的世界裡, 所以你不必花心思去取悅他。
4.男工程師視修理東西為娛樂，在你生氣時大可在他面前摔東西出氣，他會很高興的幫你修好又不必花錢。
5.男工程師IQ都不低，所以嫁給他后可以生一堆這樣的兒子考一堆的滿分讓你去跟街坊炫耀。
6. 男工程師待在研究室的時間比在家裡多，所以嫁給他以後還是很自由。
7.男工程師口才太差根本講不過你，所以你可以盡情用言辭凌辱他。
8. 男工程師最講求【理】，所以你有理的話他服你；他如果有理，你就不要跟他講理，他對你一點辦法也沒有。
9.男工程師薪水不錯，自己不會娛樂不怎么花錢也很少女人花他錢，所以你可以大大方方的花他錢，並且告訴他這是促進經濟繁榮，他做出來的東西才有人買。
10. 男工程師除了以上之外毫無魅力可言，所以嫁給他不用擔心他有外遇。

Husband for sale

A store that sells husbands has just opened in Johannesburg, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!

There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch . ... you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.

The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead good looking and help with the housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!

Please send this to all men for a good laugh and to all the women who can handle the truth!

(Contributed By: Mej Nizam Daud a_ je" a_je1977@yahoo.com; November 11, 2009.)

Dirty Jokes

Hope none of these are too dirty

Why is sex like a bridge game?
You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.

What's the speed limit of sex?
68; at 69 you have to turn around.

What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?
Beat it - we're closed.

What's the difference between sin and shame?
It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.

Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box?
She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, Lie to me!

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
Their balls are just for decoration.

What three words are most likely to strike panic when you making love?
Honey I'm home.

My Dr. refused to write me a prescription for Viagra.
He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.

(Contributed By: Mej Nizam Daud a_je1977@yahoo.com, August November 11, 2009)

Clever lawyer vs Policeman

A lawyer drives through a stop sign and gets pulled over by a policeman. He thinks that he is cleverer than the officer and decides to talk his way out of a fine.
Show me your licence and registration, says the policeman.
What for? says the lawyer.
You didn't stop at the stop sign.
I slowed down and no-one was coming.
You still didn't come to a complete stop.
What's the difference?
The difference is you have to come to a complete stop, that's the law.
If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, says the lawyer, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go.
Get out of the vehicle, please, sir, says the policeman.
The solicitor gets out and the policeman starts beating the hell out of him with his truncheon. Do you want me to stop? asks the cop, or just slow down?

(Contributed by Mej Nizam Daud; a_je1977@yahoo.com dated August 17, 2009)