My Aunt died this past January. Citibank billed her for February and March for their monthly service charge on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge... the balance had been $0.00...
Now it was somewhere around $60.00. I placed the following phone call to CitiBank:
Me: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."
CitiBank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Me: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections"
CitiBank: "Since it is 2 months past due, it already has been."
Me: "So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"
CitiBank: "Either report her account to the frauds division, or report her to the credit bureau maybe both!"
Me: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"
CitiBank:"...excuse me...?"
Me: "Did you just get what I was telling you... the part about her being dead?"
CitiBank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor!"
(Supervisor gets on the phone)
Me: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."
CitiBank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Me: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"
CitiBank: ".....(stammer)" ".... Are you her lawyer?"
Me: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given... )
CitiBank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"
Me: "Sure."
(Fax number is given)
(After they get the fax.)
CitiBank: "Our system just isn't setup for death"
Me: "Oh..."
CitiBank: "I don't know what more I can do to help.."
Me: "Well...if you figure it out,great! If not, you could just keep billing her...I suppose... Don't really think she will care...."
CitiBank: "Well...the late fees and charges do still apply."
Me: "Would you like her new billing address?"
CitiBank: "That might help."
Me: "Nilai Memorial Park Cemetery (North South Highway and plot number given.)
CitiBank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"
Me: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?"
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
MCIS insurance
A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice.
"Darling," he says. "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce." The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45 mph.
The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it", he says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a far better lover than you are."
Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55 mph.
He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently. Up to 60 mph.
"I want the car, too," he continues. 65 mph.
"And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat." The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him a wee bit nervous, so he asks her: "Isn't there anything you want?"
The wife at last replies - in a quiet and controlled voice. "No, I've got everything I need." she says.
"Oh, really?" he inquires, "So what have you got?"
Just before they slam into the wall at 75 mph, the wife turns to him and smiles. ...."The airbag."....
Never underestimate how a woman thinks.
Moral of the story:
Buy Toyota VIOS as it has only one airbag (for driver only). The husband sure die and wife gets everything!
So, for a husband don't buy a Vios today.... :) Husbands, pls take insurance! but.. think twice for MCIS insurance.
Know why?
"M.C.I.S."= Mati Cepat Isteri Senang
"Darling," he says. "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce." The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45 mph.
The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it", he says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a far better lover than you are."
Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55 mph.
He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently. Up to 60 mph.
"I want the car, too," he continues. 65 mph.
"And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat." The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him a wee bit nervous, so he asks her: "Isn't there anything you want?"
The wife at last replies - in a quiet and controlled voice. "No, I've got everything I need." she says.
"Oh, really?" he inquires, "So what have you got?"
Just before they slam into the wall at 75 mph, the wife turns to him and smiles. ...."The airbag."....
Never underestimate how a woman thinks.
Moral of the story:
Buy Toyota VIOS as it has only one airbag (for driver only). The husband sure die and wife gets everything!
So, for a husband don't buy a Vios today.... :) Husbands, pls take insurance! but.. think twice for MCIS insurance.
Know why?
"M.C.I.S."= Mati Cepat Isteri Senang
Joke on Singapore
Once during the gulf war, the President of USA, and the Prime Ministers of UK and Singapore were travelling on a warship that was cruising near S. Arabia.
The 3 were talking about how brave their soldiers were; their discussion soon turned into an argument where each wanted to prove the bravery of their own soldiers.
The Pres. of USA said, "Let me show u what is guts", where upon he called his Colonel and said "Jump into the sea and swim 3 rounds around this ship!". The Colonel replied "Anything for Uncle Sam, Sir", jumped into the shark infested sea and swam 3 rounds around the ship, with the sharks chasing him like mad! After the successful 3 rounds, the Colonel came up to the deck and said, "I did it for Uncle Sam Mr. President!". The proud US President replied "That's what I call guts!".
The Prime Minister of UK was pissed. He had to show. He called his 3-star General and said "General, jump into the sea and swim 10 rounds around This ship!". The General replied "Anything for the Queen, Sir", jumped into the shark infested sea and swam 10 rounds around the ship, with the sharks chasing him like lunatics. After the successful 10 rounds the 3-star
General came up to the deck and said, "Long Live the Queen!". The proud UK PM replied "That's what I call guts!"
The Prime Minister of Singapore cannot tahan. He had to show that his soldiers have it too. He called one of his Private, Ah Beng and said "Soldier, jump into the sea and swim 50 rounds around this ship!"
The Private replied "Oi, you siao(crazy) izzit? I juz bought my condo and I am paying through my nose. Now, u want me to jump and die? If u want to hao lian (show off), you jump into the sea yourself ! @#*&%F!........
The Singapore PM grinned and said: "Now, that's what I call guts!"
The 3 were talking about how brave their soldiers were; their discussion soon turned into an argument where each wanted to prove the bravery of their own soldiers.
The Pres. of USA said, "Let me show u what is guts", where upon he called his Colonel and said "Jump into the sea and swim 3 rounds around this ship!". The Colonel replied "Anything for Uncle Sam, Sir", jumped into the shark infested sea and swam 3 rounds around the ship, with the sharks chasing him like mad! After the successful 3 rounds, the Colonel came up to the deck and said, "I did it for Uncle Sam Mr. President!". The proud US President replied "That's what I call guts!".
The Prime Minister of UK was pissed. He had to show. He called his 3-star General and said "General, jump into the sea and swim 10 rounds around This ship!". The General replied "Anything for the Queen, Sir", jumped into the shark infested sea and swam 10 rounds around the ship, with the sharks chasing him like lunatics. After the successful 10 rounds the 3-star
General came up to the deck and said, "Long Live the Queen!". The proud UK PM replied "That's what I call guts!"
The Prime Minister of Singapore cannot tahan. He had to show that his soldiers have it too. He called one of his Private, Ah Beng and said "Soldier, jump into the sea and swim 50 rounds around this ship!"
The Private replied "Oi, you siao(crazy) izzit? I juz bought my condo and I am paying through my nose. Now, u want me to jump and die? If u want to hao lian (show off), you jump into the sea yourself ! @#*&%F!........
The Singapore PM grinned and said: "Now, that's what I call guts!"
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
The Christian Bear
This is sent by Yasmin - Tuesday, April 28, 2009 10:42 PM
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.
As he continued walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes. Turning to look, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charging towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. Looking over his shoulder he saw that the bear was closing in on him. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear raising his paw to take a swipe at him.
At that instant the atheist cried out: "Oh my God..."
Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent.
It was then that a bright light shone down upon the man and a voice came out of the sky saying: "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps, could you make the bear a Christian?"
"Very well," said the voice.
The light went out. And the sounds of the forest resumed.
Then the bear lowered his paw, bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive and for which I am truly thankful. Amen."
Shirley Paul
Senior Executive
Risk Management
Sembcorp Industries Ltd (SUT Div)
51 Sakra Ave, Jurong Island
DID : 62675718
FAX : 62675686
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.
As he continued walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes. Turning to look, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charging towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. Looking over his shoulder he saw that the bear was closing in on him. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear raising his paw to take a swipe at him.
At that instant the atheist cried out: "Oh my God..."
Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent.
It was then that a bright light shone down upon the man and a voice came out of the sky saying: "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps, could you make the bear a Christian?"
"Very well," said the voice.
The light went out. And the sounds of the forest resumed.
Then the bear lowered his paw, bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive and for which I am truly thankful. Amen."
Shirley Paul
Senior Executive
Risk Management
Sembcorp Industries Ltd (SUT Div)
51 Sakra Ave, Jurong Island
DID : 62675718
FAX : 62675686
Monday, November 8, 2010
The Unknown ‘Wow Factor’
I have changed one particular noun in order to avoid getting myself into hot soup...
A farmer named Lakbir Singh was overseeing his herd in a remote pasture in Bolehland when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.
The driver, a young Malay man in an Armani suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the farmer, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
Lakbir looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within mere seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data is stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the farmer and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Lakbir.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then Lakbir says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a graduate from Oxford and a Member of Parliament for Unknown," says Lakbir.
"Wow! That's correct," exclaims the yuppie with the customary Unknown's Wow Factor, "But how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required," answered Lakbir. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, and to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter you are, and you don't know a thing about cows. This is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog."
------
Malaysia Today is the first and only local website banned by the Government for revealing the truth. It has been replaced/mirrored at http://mt.m2day.org and is back with a vengeance
A farmer named Lakbir Singh was overseeing his herd in a remote pasture in Bolehland when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.
The driver, a young Malay man in an Armani suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the farmer, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
Lakbir looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within mere seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data is stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the farmer and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Lakbir.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then Lakbir says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a graduate from Oxford and a Member of Parliament for Unknown," says Lakbir.
"Wow! That's correct," exclaims the yuppie with the customary Unknown's Wow Factor, "But how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required," answered Lakbir. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, and to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter you are, and you don't know a thing about cows. This is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog."
------
Malaysia Today is the first and only local website banned by the Government for revealing the truth. It has been replaced/mirrored at http://mt.m2day.org and is back with a vengeance
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Men Are Just Happier People
Sent by Roger Ng - Wednesday, November 3, 2010 7:15 AM
NICKNAMES
· If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
· If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Dickhead and Dumb Brain.
EATING OUT
· When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
· When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
· A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
· A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS
· A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
· The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
· A woman has the last word in any argument.
· Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE
· A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
· A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS
· A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
· A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
· A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
· A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
· A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
· A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
· Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
· Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
· Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
· A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
NICKNAMES
· If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
· If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Dickhead and Dumb Brain.
EATING OUT
· When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
· When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
· A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
· A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS
· A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
· The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
· A woman has the last word in any argument.
· Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE
· A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
· A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS
· A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
· A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
· A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
· A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
· A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
· A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
· Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
· Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
· Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
· A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
Why Do Condoms Come in Boxes of 3, 6, or 12 ?
A man walks into a drug store with his 13-year old son. They happened to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son....Men use them to have safe sex."
"Oh I see," replied the boys pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package."
The Dad replies, "Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."
"Cool!" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"
"Those are for college boys." the dad answers, "TWO for Friday,TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack.
With a sigh........the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January,one for February, one for March............"
HOW TRAGIC LIFE IS FOR MARRIED MAN.
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son....Men use them to have safe sex."
"Oh I see," replied the boys pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package."
The Dad replies, "Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."
"Cool!" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"
"Those are for college boys." the dad answers, "TWO for Friday,TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack.
With a sigh........the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January,one for February, one for March............"
HOW TRAGIC LIFE IS FOR MARRIED MAN.
15 PIECES OF ADVICE FOR WOMAN
This is from Mar Ja, apparently she is quite 'anti-men'.
1. Don't imagine you can change a man - *unless he's in nappies.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up
there.
4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.
5. Go for the younger man. You might as well, they never mature anyway.
6. *Men are all the same *- they just have different faces, so that you can
tell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make
some woman miserable.
8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself
types.
9. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.
10. *Love is blind*, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in
Biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, *tell him cheque
books* .
14. Remember a sense of humour does not mean that you tell him jokes, it
means that you laugh at his.
15. *Sadly, all men are created
equal!*
1. Don't imagine you can change a man - *unless he's in nappies.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up
there.
4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.
5. Go for the younger man. You might as well, they never mature anyway.
6. *Men are all the same *- they just have different faces, so that you can
tell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make
some woman miserable.
8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself
types.
9. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.
10. *Love is blind*, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in
Biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, *tell him cheque
books* .
14. Remember a sense of humour does not mean that you tell him jokes, it
means that you laugh at his.
15. *Sadly, all men are created
equal!*
Latter from a Caring Mother
Sorry, I forgot where I got this from, so no means of stealing intellectual property...
My dear Jagjit,
I am in a well here and hoping you are also in a well there. I'm writing this letter slowly, because I know you cannot read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen 20 miles from home, so we moved 20 miles. I won't be able to send the address as the last Sardar who stayed here took the house numbers with them for their new house so they would not have to change their address. Hopefully by next week we will be able to take our earlier address plate here, so that our address will remain same too.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine, situated right above the toilet I'm not sure it works too well. Last week I put in 3 shirts, pulled the chain and
haven't seen them since.
The weather here isn't too bad. It rained only twice last week. The first time
it rained for 3 days and second time for 4 days.
The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with all the metal buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pocket.
Your father has another job. He has 500 men under him. He is cutting the grass at the cemetery.
By the way I took Bahu to our club's poolside. The manager is Badmash. He told her that two piece swimming suit is not allowed in his club. We were confused as to which piece
should we remove?
Your sister had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether it is a girl or a boy, so I don't know whether you are an Aunt or an Uncle.
Your uncle, Jetinder fell in the nearby well. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off bravely and drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.
Your best friend, Balwinder, is no more. He died trying to fulfill his father's last wishes. His father had wished to be buried in the sea after he died. And your friend died while in the process of digging a grave for his father.
There isn't much more news this time. Nothing much has happened.
Love Mom.
P. S: Jagjit, I was going to send you some money but by the time I realized,
I had already sealed off this letter.
My dear Jagjit,
I am in a well here and hoping you are also in a well there. I'm writing this letter slowly, because I know you cannot read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen 20 miles from home, so we moved 20 miles. I won't be able to send the address as the last Sardar who stayed here took the house numbers with them for their new house so they would not have to change their address. Hopefully by next week we will be able to take our earlier address plate here, so that our address will remain same too.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine, situated right above the toilet I'm not sure it works too well. Last week I put in 3 shirts, pulled the chain and
haven't seen them since.
The weather here isn't too bad. It rained only twice last week. The first time
it rained for 3 days and second time for 4 days.
The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with all the metal buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pocket.
Your father has another job. He has 500 men under him. He is cutting the grass at the cemetery.
By the way I took Bahu to our club's poolside. The manager is Badmash. He told her that two piece swimming suit is not allowed in his club. We were confused as to which piece
should we remove?
Your sister had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether it is a girl or a boy, so I don't know whether you are an Aunt or an Uncle.
Your uncle, Jetinder fell in the nearby well. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off bravely and drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.
Your best friend, Balwinder, is no more. He died trying to fulfill his father's last wishes. His father had wished to be buried in the sea after he died. And your friend died while in the process of digging a grave for his father.
There isn't much more news this time. Nothing much has happened.
Love Mom.
P. S: Jagjit, I was going to send you some money but by the time I realized,
I had already sealed off this letter.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Management Lessons
You may have read it somewhere but I think it's still worth your while to read it again.
From Dicala - Monday, March 19, 2007 8:14 PM
LESSON 1
A junior manager, a senior manager and their boss are on their way to
a meeting. On their way through a park, they come across a wonder
lamp. They rub the lamp and a ghost appears.
The ghost says, "Normally, one is granted three wishes but as you are
three, I will allow one wish each"
So the eager senior manager shouted, "I want the first wish. I want to
be in the Bahamas , on a fast boat and have no worries." Pfufffff, and
he was gone.
Now the junior manager could not keep quiet and shouted "I want to be
In Florida with beautiful girls, plenty of food and cocktails."
Pfufffff, and he Was also gone.
The boss calmly said, "I want these two idiots back in the office
after lunch at 12.35pm."
MORAL OF THE STORY IS: "ALWAYS ALLOW THE BOSSES TO SPEAK FIRST"
LESSON 2
Standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important
document, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young executive.
He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside
the shredder machine. "I just need one copy."
LESSON II - NEVER, NEVER ASSUME THAT YOUR BOSS KNOWS EVERYTHING.
LESSON 3
An American and a Japanese were sitting on the plane on the way to LA.
When the American turned to the Japanese and asked, "What kind of -ese
are you?"
The Japanese confused, replied, "Sorry but I don't understand what you mean."
The American repeated, "What kind of -ese are you?" Again, the
Japanese was confused over the question.
The American, now irritated, then yelled, "What kind of -ese are you
... Are you a Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese!, etc......???"
The Japanese then replied, "Oh, I am a Japanese."
A while later the Japanese turned to the American and asked What kind
Of 'key' was he.
The American, frustrated, yelled, "What do you mean what kind of -kee' am I ?!"
The Japanese said, "Are you a Yankee, donkee, or monkee?"
LESSON III - NEVER INSULT ANYONE.
LESSON 4
There were these 4 guys, a Russian, a German, an American and a
French, who found this small genie bottle. When they rubbed the
bottle, a genie appeared. Thankful that the 4 guys had released him
out of the bottle,
He said, "Next to you all are 4 swimming pools, I will give each of
you A wish. When you run towards the pool and jump, you shout what you
want the pool of Water to become, then your wish will come true."
The French wanted to start. He ran towards the pool, jumped and
shouted"WINE". The pool immediately changed into a pool of wine. The
Frenchman was so Happy swimming and drinking from the pool.
Next is the Russian's turn, he did the same and shouted, "VODKA" and
Immersed himself into a pool of vodka.
The German was next and he jumped and shouted, "BEER". He was so
Contented with his beer pool.
The last is the American. He was running towards the pool when
suddenly He steps on a banana peel. He slipped towards the pool and
shouted, "SHIT!!!!!!!........."
LESSON IV - THINK TWICE BEFORE YOU SAY SOMETHING, BECAUSE SOMETIMES
ACCIDENTS DO HAPPEN.
LESSON 5
The organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was
In charge. Each organ took a turn to speak up:
Brain......... I should be in charge because I run all body functions.
Blood........ I should be in charge because I circulate oxygen for the brain.
Stomach... I should be in charge because I process food to the brain.
Legs......... I should be in charge because I take the brain where it
Wants to go.
Eyes......... I should be in charge because I let the brain see where
it's going.
Asshole.....I should be in charge because I get rid of your waste.
All the other parts laughed so hard and this made the asshole very mad.
To prove his point, the asshole immediately slammed tightly closed and
Stayed that way for 6 days, refusing to rid the body of any waste whatsoever.
Day 1 - Brain got a terrible headache and cried out for relief
Day 2 - Stomach got bloated and began to ache terribly
Day 3 - Legs got cramps and became unstable
Day 4 - Eyes became watery and vision became blurred
Day 5 - Blood became toxic and poisoned the body
Day 6 -The other organs agreed to let the asshole be in charge.
MORAL OF THE STORY: NO MATTER WHO YOU ARE, OR HOW IMPORTANT YOU THINK
YOU ARE, YOU WILL FIND THAT IT IS ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE THAT IS IN
CHARGE.
From Dicala - Monday, March 19, 2007 8:14 PM
LESSON 1
A junior manager, a senior manager and their boss are on their way to
a meeting. On their way through a park, they come across a wonder
lamp. They rub the lamp and a ghost appears.
The ghost says, "Normally, one is granted three wishes but as you are
three, I will allow one wish each"
So the eager senior manager shouted, "I want the first wish. I want to
be in the Bahamas , on a fast boat and have no worries." Pfufffff, and
he was gone.
Now the junior manager could not keep quiet and shouted "I want to be
In Florida with beautiful girls, plenty of food and cocktails."
Pfufffff, and he Was also gone.
The boss calmly said, "I want these two idiots back in the office
after lunch at 12.35pm."
MORAL OF THE STORY IS: "ALWAYS ALLOW THE BOSSES TO SPEAK FIRST"
LESSON 2
Standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important
document, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young executive.
He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside
the shredder machine. "I just need one copy."
LESSON II - NEVER, NEVER ASSUME THAT YOUR BOSS KNOWS EVERYTHING.
LESSON 3
An American and a Japanese were sitting on the plane on the way to LA.
When the American turned to the Japanese and asked, "What kind of -ese
are you?"
The Japanese confused, replied, "Sorry but I don't understand what you mean."
The American repeated, "What kind of -ese are you?" Again, the
Japanese was confused over the question.
The American, now irritated, then yelled, "What kind of -ese are you
... Are you a Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese!, etc......???"
The Japanese then replied, "Oh, I am a Japanese."
A while later the Japanese turned to the American and asked What kind
Of 'key' was he.
The American, frustrated, yelled, "What do you mean what kind of -kee' am I ?!"
The Japanese said, "Are you a Yankee, donkee, or monkee?"
LESSON III - NEVER INSULT ANYONE.
LESSON 4
There were these 4 guys, a Russian, a German, an American and a
French, who found this small genie bottle. When they rubbed the
bottle, a genie appeared. Thankful that the 4 guys had released him
out of the bottle,
He said, "Next to you all are 4 swimming pools, I will give each of
you A wish. When you run towards the pool and jump, you shout what you
want the pool of Water to become, then your wish will come true."
The French wanted to start. He ran towards the pool, jumped and
shouted"WINE". The pool immediately changed into a pool of wine. The
Frenchman was so Happy swimming and drinking from the pool.
Next is the Russian's turn, he did the same and shouted, "VODKA" and
Immersed himself into a pool of vodka.
The German was next and he jumped and shouted, "BEER". He was so
Contented with his beer pool.
The last is the American. He was running towards the pool when
suddenly He steps on a banana peel. He slipped towards the pool and
shouted, "SHIT!!!!!!!........."
LESSON IV - THINK TWICE BEFORE YOU SAY SOMETHING, BECAUSE SOMETIMES
ACCIDENTS DO HAPPEN.
LESSON 5
The organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was
In charge. Each organ took a turn to speak up:
Brain......... I should be in charge because I run all body functions.
Blood........ I should be in charge because I circulate oxygen for the brain.
Stomach... I should be in charge because I process food to the brain.
Legs......... I should be in charge because I take the brain where it
Wants to go.
Eyes......... I should be in charge because I let the brain see where
it's going.
Asshole.....I should be in charge because I get rid of your waste.
All the other parts laughed so hard and this made the asshole very mad.
To prove his point, the asshole immediately slammed tightly closed and
Stayed that way for 6 days, refusing to rid the body of any waste whatsoever.
Day 1 - Brain got a terrible headache and cried out for relief
Day 2 - Stomach got bloated and began to ache terribly
Day 3 - Legs got cramps and became unstable
Day 4 - Eyes became watery and vision became blurred
Day 5 - Blood became toxic and poisoned the body
Day 6 -The other organs agreed to let the asshole be in charge.
MORAL OF THE STORY: NO MATTER WHO YOU ARE, OR HOW IMPORTANT YOU THINK
YOU ARE, YOU WILL FIND THAT IT IS ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE THAT IS IN
CHARGE.
80% of M'sians going to UK to study law?
Sent by Diclal - Wednesday, March 28, 2007 7:56 PM
UK Immigration Officer: Purpose of visit?
Visitor: I'm here to study law, sir.
Officer: You know, you must have a lot of lawyers in Malaysia .
Visitor: Why do you say that?
Officer: Well, i've been here for a good twenty years, and I'd say 80% of Malaysians I see here say they're here to read law.
Visitor: Oh, really? That's really something i never knew. Hard to believe in fact.
Officer: Just you watch, then. You just stand here until the next Malaysian comes along, and I'll bet he's here to read law.
*Visitor waits for 5 mijavascript:void(0)ns, Ah Chong from Malaysia comes to immigration counter*
Officer: Mr. Ah Chong, purpose of visit?
Ah Chong: Study lorr...
UK Immigration Officer: Purpose of visit?
Visitor: I'm here to study law, sir.
Officer: You know, you must have a lot of lawyers in Malaysia .
Visitor: Why do you say that?
Officer: Well, i've been here for a good twenty years, and I'd say 80% of Malaysians I see here say they're here to read law.
Visitor: Oh, really? That's really something i never knew. Hard to believe in fact.
Officer: Just you watch, then. You just stand here until the next Malaysian comes along, and I'll bet he's here to read law.
*Visitor waits for 5 mijavascript:void(0)ns, Ah Chong from Malaysia comes to immigration counter*
Officer: Mr. Ah Chong, purpose of visit?
Ah Chong: Study lorr...
From Dicala, Monday, April 16, 2007 8:57 PM
Actual Australian Court Docket 12659
"Case of the Pregnant Lady"
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man
Opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had
The man arrested.
The case came up in court.
The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this:
When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are Comin' and I grinned."
"Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, ' Logan 's Liniment will reduce the swelling', and I had to smile. "Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick",
And I could hardly contain myself."
"BUT, your Honor, when She moved the fourth Time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'... I just lost it."
"CASE DISMISSED!!"
Actual Australian Court Docket 12659
"Case of the Pregnant Lady"
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man
Opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had
The man arrested.
The case came up in court.
The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this:
When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are Comin' and I grinned."
"Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, ' Logan 's Liniment will reduce the swelling', and I had to smile. "Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick",
And I could hardly contain myself."
"BUT, your Honor, when She moved the fourth Time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'... I just lost it."
"CASE DISMISSED!!"
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